drives him nuts

I have a habit of bugging Mason about stuff. I am always checking and re-checking (because my little Dori mind can't hold a thought) to see if Mason has, or has not completed whatever it was I wanted him to do.

9 times out of 10 his response is "I'm about to..."

To which I reply (much to his annoyance and frustration) "Warm it up Kriss..." hand gestures and gansta face and all!!!

I joke and tell him that the only reason he doesn't think my joke is funny is because he hasn't seen the video or heard the song.

He reassures me that no, that is not the case.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcmlIWihR6c

(for some reason they wouldn't let me post the whole video here.... don't let that stop you though... )

ah, the early 90s..... LOVE IT!!!

and just like that.....

Last week out of the blue Braden asked me to take his training wheels off his bicycle I told him that we would when daddy got home from his trip.

Yesterday late afternoon Mason got out the tools and took the training wheels off of the bike. We cleared the driveway of cars.

Braden hopped up on the bike and Mason steadied it with his hand. Braden took off, Mason running behind.

And just like that.... Braden rode his bike with two wheels all by himself. Just one push off and he was biking around like he was a pro. It happened so fast that I didn't even get a chance to get the video camera or anything.

After dinner Braden did a few more practice laps and then said "I'm all done... I want to wait and show Meg on Friends Friday."

Just like that....

decisions decisions

Darling you gotta let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you say that you are mine
I'll be here til the end of timeSo you got to let know
Should I stay or should I go?

Always tease tease tease
Youre happy when I'm on my knees
One day is fine, next is black
So if you want me off your back
Well come on and let me know
Should I stay or should I go?

This indecisions bugging me
If you don’t want me, set me free
Exactly whom I’m supposed to be
Don’t you know which clothes even fit me?
Come on and let me know
Should I cool it or should I blow?

Lazy Lazy Lazy

Mason was TDY all last week and after getting back from NOLA I thought I would use his absence to get back in the blogging mode... as you can see, that didn't happen.

I need to start writing down my post ideas again... I always think of some good stuff and then by the time I get to my computer I totally forget what I wanted to write about.

Oh well.... as Scarlet says " Tomorrow is another day!"

every breath he takes

During our tour of the lower 9th ward I told Aunt Karen we had to go see the Global Green Holy Cross Project. My man Brad Pitt teamed up with Global Green to solve some of the housing issues in the Holy Cross Neighborhood of NOLA. The first house is finally completed (with 4 more and an apartment building to come soon). As my father taught me I TOUCHED IT and documented it with a photo opp.... Then I went to the front door and to peek in the windows and low and behold the door was UNLOCKED (those fools) so I snuck in and quickly set up my camera to take a picture of me and T INSIDE the house.

Why is that such a big deal you might ask. Well it is the closest I have EVER got to Brad. To stand where I KNOW that he has stood and breathed....to touch the ground that I know he has walked.... OMG! It didn't get any better than that!

a great article with MORE pictures: http://blog.nola.com/reneepeck/2008/04/global_green_house_unveils_eco.html

New Orleans

This picture pretty much sums up NOLA. Progress is being made... much more that I thought... but still it is slow going. Only about 30-40% of houses are being worked on/lived in....this is a common picture a reminder of the past and a beautiful view of the future side by side.

Look Who's on TV

Two Tuesdays ago I was on the local new promoting MOPS and the Great Moms Walk. Nobody else from the steering team wanted to be on tv so I said I would do it. I was really excited about it. I thought it would a wonderful opportunity to get the word out there that MOPS existed in Abilene, and what the whole thing was about. So on Tuesday the 15th I went and got my hair done (I really stink in that department) fussed over my clothes and put my eyelashes on (and a ton of make up) and headed out the door.

When I arrived, they walked me back to the "news room" set and instructed me to sit and wait. It was about 5 minutes before the start of the show and the anchorman was sitting at his 'set' desk. I was expecting him to come over, introduce himself and tell me a little about what to expect. I had spoken with him the day before and all he said was that he look forward to talking with me, and that our bit would be 3-5 minutes interview style.

Before I knew it the show had started. Leah (who came for support) and I sat there on these tiny chairs pushed up against the wall about 4 feet from the weather guy's green screen set. We sat and waited. They ran the top stories, then the weather then a commercial break then some more news. I kept waiting for some sort of instruction of when my turn was going to be or what they wanted me to do.... nothing.

Finally the anchor guy calls out to me (during another break) that I was up in a few minutes and that we would be "over there" (he points to a small area of the set).

I sit and wait some more. another commercial break.

"Okay Julia, come over here. Put your mic on and sit down"

Put my mic on? I have never seen this kind of apparatus before, let alone know how to put it on. I manage... and then I sit down - noticing that I am REALLY (and uncomfortably so) close to the set wall, the camera and the anchor guy. I felt like a giant on this tiny set.

"Have you ever been in a tv station before?" he asks me "Yes" I answer "I even was on tv once before."

I am not nervous. The red light goes on and the anchor guy starts to introduce us. I am not nervous.

Then he turns towards me and says (while gesturing to the camera) "Tell everyone out there about MOPS." I turn to look at the camera, expecting to see a big lens or black square box but instead I see myself... larger than life in a close-up shot and I PANIC! every word, thought or idea that I had in my head immediately vanishes and I go mute. Totally MUTE!!!

After what seems like 5 hours I say something like "I'm sorry I totally forgot what I was going to say" and like a pro the anchor guy picks up where I left off talking about MOPS and all bullet points that I had sent him a week earlier.

Every so often he would look back to me and ask me a simple question which I would stumble through. I just kept thinking look at him or the wall.... NOT the camera. And before I knew it the whole thing was over and I felt like a doof.

Leah said that after the initial mix-up that I did fine...and watching the interview back on my DVR I could see that it wasn't as bad as I thought it was.... but DANG did I surprise myself.... I was so confident and relaxed and then BAMM.... the worst stage fright, mommy brain blank episode ever! LOL

18 months and 2 days

While everyone else is out celebrating Earth Day... I threw my own little party today when Tristan started to walk! I didn't think any baby could walk any later than Braden did... but Tristan proved me wrong. My Aunt Karen was especially please that he waited, so that she could see him in action.
Contrary to what every old lady has been telling me, I am NOT sorry that he started walking. I am so looking forward to chasing him around, and for him to start climbing on stuff. I guess it was my own fault though for telling people that he hadn't started to walk yet.... but whatever.
This is BIG STUFF!
The best part of it all was the look on Braden's face watching T walk across the floor. "He's walkin' mama!" Too Cool!

Grieving

This April has been the mildest April in terms of me grieving William. The sadness is there, but as I mentioned before it is a quiet sadness that sits right under the surface. And the crying jags are not as long or as hard.

Whether it is correct to say so or not, having Tristan to love and to keep me busy is an unmeasurable help in the healing process.

This was the first year that I didn't get out Williams memory box and 're live' that time of April 2005.

That being said, I am still grieving. As March turns to April I watch the grass come back to life, I watch our tree grow leaves and between the 1st and the 15th the backyard is transformed from winter to spring. That visual transformation is the greatest reminder. It is the one thing that is exactly the same each year, save the small flower bed under the tree that was planted in honor of William.

I feel that I have 'recovered' well (whatever that means.) I am productive and relatively happy. I get up every morning and get on with my life and enjoy my surviving children the best I can.

But I am still grieving. Softer this year, but grief nonetheless.

I had a few phone calls on the 15th, a few emails and some e-cards. I had people send me letters in the mail and I had many comments here on the blog....

But - none of them from my parents. They didn't remember. I know they didn't because when I called them on the 16th I asked them and they admitted that they didn't.

That crushed me. Out of all the people in the world who know me and 'knew' William - my parents forgot.

That bothers me.... it bothers me a lot. And I may not have the right to be upset by it, and it may seem childish or selfish... but I am just being honest... it bothers me.

I know that remembering the day that a person died may not be a fun thing. But remembering a birthday should be. I know that William never took a breath or cried here on this earth, but he was born. I know that... he existed and was born. Would it have been different if he had 'lived' for just 5 minutes then died? What is the appropriate amount of time someone needs to have 'existed' to be counted. My benchmark is: if you can dress the person and take a photo of that person.... they are a PERSON! I can't help it that what should have been the happiest day of Williams life ended up as the saddest.

I understand that my parents never 'met' William. That they didn't spend the time with him that I did. And it may just be easier in their eyes to forget and move on.

But (and this is the selfish part)....I want them to think of ME. April 15th 2005 was (without a doubt) the single most devastating day of my life. It surpasses my mother's death by miles. It was a car accident, tornado, divorce, house fire all rolled into one. Just based on that alone they should remember.

I don't require much. A mention of how they are thinking of me "at this time of year" will suffice. It can even be in an email, they don't even need to say it out loud.

But I want them to remember.

this past week

Actually the 15th didn't end as sad as it began this year. Monday (the 14th) at MOPS was harder. I cried that day... not the 15th. I think being around my friends and their love made me feel more vulnerable and allowed me to grieve.


The past week or so has been a busy one for me. On Saturday I was in Stephenville Texas for a MOPS Leadership Summit. I spoke to a small group of girls about being the Finance Steering Team member. I had the flu, but other than that I had a great time. I really felt like a 'real person' with education and knowledge and not just 'a mom' with graham cracker gunk on her shoulder.

Sunday I spent all day in bed with above mentioned flu. My temp got up to 103.5 WITH TYLENOL.... by Monday I was functional again.

Monday was MOPS, and Tuesday I was on the evening news to talk about MOPS. ( i will post about that later).

Wednesday was clean up the house and pack day - and Thursday the boys and I flew down to New Orleans (which is where I am now).

Everyday I have new post ideas. I wanted to do a whole post on the MOPS summit, a whole post on the TV news bit and a whole post about the traveling....

I just feel time going to fast. I also feel like you have to be in a posting mood... whatever that is... so even if I have the time I may not have the inclination..... I start to get stressed out that my posts about something are not recorded on the actual day that it happened.... I feel like I am not "doing it right".

Remembering....

At 9:30am Friday April 15th 2005 my baby sitter Katie showed up at the door to take care of Braden so I could go to what was to be my final doctor appointment at 39 1/2 weeks with my second son William Charles Stewart.

the cruelest month

just a few things to happen in the month of April in the past 100 years or so.....

1889 - Adolf Hitler, leader of Nazi Germany is born

1912 - The British passenger liner RMS Titanic hits an iceberg in the North Atlantic, and sinks the following morning (April 15th) with the loss of 1,503 lives.

1962 - Stuart Sutcliffe, English musician (The Beatles) (b. 1940)

1968 - Martin Luther King, Jr. is assassinated by James Earl Ray at a motel in Memphis, Tennessee.

1990 - Ryan White, American AIDS activist (b. 1971)

1994 - Kurt Cobain, American musician (Nirvana) (b. 1967

1995 - Oklahoma City bombing: The Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, USA, is bombed, killing 168. That same day convicted murderer Richard Wayne Snell, who had ties to bombing suspect Timothy McVeigh, was executed in Arkansas.

1998 - Linda McCartney, American-born wife of Paul McCartney (b. 1941)

1999 - Columbine High School massacre: Two gunmen kill 13 people and injure 24 others before committing suicide at Columbine High School located in Jefferson County, Colorado.

2000 - In a predawn raid, federal agents seize six-year-old Elián González from his relatives' home in Miami, Florida.

2003 - David Bloom, American reporter dies while reporting from Iraq

2005 - Pope John Paul II dies

2007 - Virginia Tech massacre: the deadliest mass shooting in modern American history, in which a gunman shoots 32 people to death and injures 23 others before committing suicide.

.....

I knew it was coming...

I saw the calendar days slowly slip by....

At first I felt okay... but as the days progressed I felt the weight in my heart grow...

a pressure on my chest.... slowing me down...

people are starting to call, checking in on me, seeing how I am "is it today? did I miss it?.....

I notice how things are exactly the same and how they are different from 3 years ago.....

Mason and I sat on the couch tonight feeling the weight with quiet sadness....