10 years

That is how long I have been married.... Today 10 years ago Mason and I said our vows.

I feel all of those 10 years. The good, the bad, the tragic and all the love that comes with it.

10 years ago I stood, looking at Mason while tears gently streamed down my face as he dedicated his life to me. Later he admitted to me that he thought I was crying because I didn't really want to marry him.... which I assured him was NOT the case. I was crying because for almost 8 years (ever since we first dated) I had dreamed of that moment.

Pretty much since I met him being with him was ONLY goal for much of my young life.

I wonder now if I would have felt that way if he hadn't moved to another school, or if my father and his mother supported us, instead of trying to keep us apart (which in my experience only pushes people together more).

It amazes me now, to look back on myself and realize that I had NO other goals or ambitions. I didn't have a world or a life with out him.

Not that we stayed together for all that time. He broke up with me several times, leaving me completely heartbroken and destitute. At one point my step mother said she was really concerned about my safety and was worried I would hurt myself. And I wasn't just a victim in all of this either, I did a lot of things then that I am not very proud of now.

I look back on all that, a bit embarrassed that I was so immature. That I couldn't see the forest for the trees and wonder if I had been more mature, more focus, more secure, more brave I could have become something, or done something.

All around me I had friends with career goals and aspirations. They knew what they wanted to do or to be, and for the ones who didn't they were brave enough to venture out on their own, exploring and traveling and discovering. All the while, I hid behind insecurity and lack of confidence in myself.

But in the end I did get what I wanted. My night in shining armour, to love me and protect me all the days of my life....

What a huge role I had assigned to Mason... how unfair of me to do that to him. When you live for someone else you place not only a burden on yourself, but on them as well. We place too much on each other and we almost collapsed under the pile of "shoulds".

I tried living for my kids for awhile, which is pretty easy thing to do when they are little. And I almost lost myself completely doing that.

And then Mason left for 6 months, and this blog was born (thanks Jen) and I was all by myself with only myself and lots of time on my hands. These years here, have been the hardest for me. It is hard, to find your voice, to find your confidence, to find your dreams. But I think I have. Now that I have found them (taken them off the shelf) I have to do something with them. I have to live for myself. And I am very happy and grateful that Mason still wants to be apart of that for (at least) the next 10 years!