Last night was almost unbearable. I cried on and off until I finally collapsed into bed around midnight. It just felt wrong, having Bitty Chlo gone. A piece of our family was missing. It felt unnatural... like I had betrayed her. I feel like we rejected her, cast her out... all of us here without her. I ate way too much, trying to compensate for the emotional exhaustion.
Braden said that he wasn't excited about Little Rock anymore because we had to give up Chloe to go. So that adds another layer of guilt on me. That he will be traumatized from this. I can just see him on the therapist couch 20 years from now talking about how this was a pivotal moment of betrayal in his life.
This morning wasn't much better. I got a call around 8 from a friend who just got my email... saying that she might want Chloe. That started the tears all over again. I held off the urge to call Ashley (Chloe's new mommy) and ask how she was doing. Each hour I tell myself I will wait another hour...
This morning Tristan asked "Chloe Chloe? Where Chloe?"
I still feel like she is mine.
This whole wave of sadness caught me off guard. I thought I would be relieved and happy. Not wrecked with grief. I did nothing to prepare for the emotions of it all.