A year and a half ago I wrote about a trip to Dallas that I was taking with the boys... Mason and I were going to meet there for a long weekend during his 6 month training. I can remember how excited I was to go. I remember thinking about the 'newness' of the city and wondering what it was going to be like. I remember thinking it was funny that I had lived in Abilene all these years and yet never had ventured to the big D.
Just a few months later (august) I was heading back to Dallas for a whole other reason. With Mason overseas, I went with Braden Tristan and my Aunt to see a neurologist because Tristan had an alarming number of birthmarks. Since then with his official diagnoses of NF1 we are embarking on our 4th trip to Dallas for doctors appointments.
I love to 'take trips'. So for a split second I get excited about packing up the car, eating out and staying in a hotel. Then I remember why we are going. I can't reconcile my emotions. On the one hand I know Tristan is in great shape. That I should just relax and try to have fun while taking care of business. But on the other hand I feel like that to enjoy any aspect of the trip is wrong. I feel like I must keep reminding myself... this will be hard and bad - no fun.
This will also be the first trip that Braden and/or Mason does come with too. It's just going to be me and the T. Which will be a great time for some bonding and non-interrupted mom time.... but what that means is that I will have NON interrupted T time WHILE driving all over Dallas schelping back and forth to different specialists.
Whatever.... I guess there is no 'right way' to feel about something like this... and just as in life, sometimes you can see the good in the worst circumstances, and other times only the dark clouds are visible on the horizon.
I am grateful that all the paperwork is done, all the approvals are in. I am grateful that I was able to coordinate 3 doctor visits all within 2 days of each other (even though we will miss nap time on one of those days). I am grateful that the military will help cover travel costs and that I at least have the ability to take my child to specialists 150 miles away.
And deep down I know that I don't have it half as bad as some other moms. A children's hospital is the best reminder of how bad a situation can be, and its the best place to see joy in the worst circumstance.
2 comments:
For 5 and a half years I've held my breathe after every specialist appointment scared that things will be worse. (((Hugs))) It is hard. And it is a blessing he's fine and not sick and doing huge invasive treatments but this is still hard. It's ok to feel that way. Be safe. Call or text me anytime.
I have spent almost half of my life being sick, it's hard. But I think it is more difficult to have someone you love be sick. I makes me feel helpless. I have learned so much over the years about how to deal with doctors and insurance, I'd be happy to share my lessons if you ever have a difficult time with them. I know how it is to work so hard to get in to see a doctor and leave feeling like nothing was accomplished. Don't do that. You call the shots. You are in charge in that office. It's ok to speak your mind.
It's prefectly fine to enjoy every aspect of your trip that you can. Enjoy every minnute of your life that you can. No matter the circumstances that surround it. Your doing a fabulous job! Hang in there.
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