4.19.2008

Grieving

This April has been the mildest April in terms of me grieving William. The sadness is there, but as I mentioned before it is a quiet sadness that sits right under the surface. And the crying jags are not as long or as hard.

Whether it is correct to say so or not, having Tristan to love and to keep me busy is an unmeasurable help in the healing process.

This was the first year that I didn't get out Williams memory box and 're live' that time of April 2005.

That being said, I am still grieving. As March turns to April I watch the grass come back to life, I watch our tree grow leaves and between the 1st and the 15th the backyard is transformed from winter to spring. That visual transformation is the greatest reminder. It is the one thing that is exactly the same each year, save the small flower bed under the tree that was planted in honor of William.

I feel that I have 'recovered' well (whatever that means.) I am productive and relatively happy. I get up every morning and get on with my life and enjoy my surviving children the best I can.

But I am still grieving. Softer this year, but grief nonetheless.

I had a few phone calls on the 15th, a few emails and some e-cards. I had people send me letters in the mail and I had many comments here on the blog....

But - none of them from my parents. They didn't remember. I know they didn't because when I called them on the 16th I asked them and they admitted that they didn't.

That crushed me. Out of all the people in the world who know me and 'knew' William - my parents forgot.

That bothers me.... it bothers me a lot. And I may not have the right to be upset by it, and it may seem childish or selfish... but I am just being honest... it bothers me.

I know that remembering the day that a person died may not be a fun thing. But remembering a birthday should be. I know that William never took a breath or cried here on this earth, but he was born. I know that... he existed and was born. Would it have been different if he had 'lived' for just 5 minutes then died? What is the appropriate amount of time someone needs to have 'existed' to be counted. My benchmark is: if you can dress the person and take a photo of that person.... they are a PERSON! I can't help it that what should have been the happiest day of Williams life ended up as the saddest.

I understand that my parents never 'met' William. That they didn't spend the time with him that I did. And it may just be easier in their eyes to forget and move on.

But (and this is the selfish part)....I want them to think of ME. April 15th 2005 was (without a doubt) the single most devastating day of my life. It surpasses my mother's death by miles. It was a car accident, tornado, divorce, house fire all rolled into one. Just based on that alone they should remember.

I don't require much. A mention of how they are thinking of me "at this time of year" will suffice. It can even be in an email, they don't even need to say it out loud.

But I want them to remember.

6 comments:

Jen said...

That really sucks!

I don't have many other words but I would feel just the same.

martha.durham said...

I understand and completely agree with your sentiments!!
Enjoy NO!! Look out for Brad for me! :)
Martha

nora said...

I thought of you, M, B, & T every day this week. Bought you a card. I'm putting it in the mail tonight, because I'm an idiot and din't send it sooner. I hope you can forgive me. I need to mark my calender for Williams birthday. You had your visitation on the 20th, (Owen's birthday), and so that the associative date in my head. BUt I don't want to be late again. William deserves better.

You have every right to be pissed at your parents. If it were me, I'd be hurt and livid.

I love you. Lots.

Dava Lynn said...

I'm remembering you still...and thanking God for easing your grief...if even just slightly. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. I love you.

AMANDA said...

I think as we grow older are parents are under the assumption that we don't need them as much. Sometimes, that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm so sorry that your grief was multiplied by their forgetfulness. When I let my feelings get hurt by my parents, I take a deep breath and promise myself that whatever action they have taken I will do my darndest not to repeat with my children.
Please know that there are so many of us that do hold you in our thoughts. I appreciate your candidness with William's story. What happened to you is unimaginable. I'm thankful that you are able to share your true thoughts and emotions to help me better understand your grief and pain. Know that I love you!

Anonymous said...

That's just crummy! :( Leah