voices carry

I have so much to say - and no energy to type. Once I was 'on fire' about my blog, but as of late I feel so busy that by the time I have spare time I feel worn out and have no energy for sharing anything.

I think I am most overwhelmed regarding the things I am NOT writing about. It may seem hard to believe, but there is a lot that goes on privately in my life that I do not mention. I guess because I write so openly about so much stuff, that it seems like I hold nothing back.

But I do. There is a lot going on that I just don't feel comfortable writing about.

But it takes up a lot of energy and emotion and brain power. I guess having Mason gone has just exacerbated things. Braden's mood is a bit darker and less cooperative since daddy is not home. It's hard because Braden has a hard time identifying his emotions and articulating them. So if I am not paying attention I can miss the subtle change in his mood...which if not dealt with can get worse over time.

I feel really stressed out about the move, or the lack of moving. All of the sudden our once beautiful home looks like crap (to me) and I start picking over all the things that need to be done to sell it. I have multiple time lines in my head.... "if we have to move in a few months then we'll just do A B and C... if we are here another year I would really like to tackle XYZ" you get the picture.

People are dying all around me. My friends grandfather passed, Mr. Pence passed, Mason's second cousin passed away. Every time I go to Hallmark it is for a sympathy card.

Death not only depresses me (duh!) but scares the S#!T out of me.... it is one of the reasons I can't ever fall asleep.... I don't like being unconscious in any shape or form.

The past two months have seen many a blogger write about how much they hate January or February.... well...I hate March. I have hated March ever since my first year out of college. I had visited Mason in February and we were planning on seeing each other in April.... I had to wait through March.... which felt like forever.... with all its 31 days....even now I can still remember my office, with the March calendar page staring at me. Everyday I would cross another day off, one line in the morning and the finishing X line as I left at night.

March also signifies spring, and that April is just around the corner. While I was pregnant with William it felt like March would never end and that April would never come. Now April creeps up faster and faster each year.

March's weather is crappy too, no matter where you live. It teases you with warm spring air and buds of green grass.... then it snows :-(

I feel like that little circle on the tv commercial for anti-depressant... it slugs around with a rain cloud over its head.

I always said that I would have been a great alcoholic if I had only enjoyed drinking.....

Oh well.... the beat goes on.... and all the crap that I am dealing with right now will either get better or worse.... so really although it seems like a really low point right now... it may be the calm before the storm.... I will look back a year from now and say "wow! I didn't realize I had it that good"

Hopefully not....