In Trouble

Do you remember hearing those words as a child? "Oooooh.... you're in TROUBLE!" Your heart would sink and you would get that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach. It was the worst thing you could hear. and NOT getting in trouble was the BEST thing in the world.

I have one question.... What does that phrase even mean? "in trouble"

I know what it meant back then - it meant that someone (parent, teacher, police) regarded a certain action (or inaction) of yours to be "bad" or "wrong" and now that they know about it you will receive punishment.

Punishment - a spanking, loss of TV or phone - cancelled party or trip - sentences - cleaning scrubbing polishing - a fine ....

Lesson learned? - whatever you do - you DON'T want to get in trouble!

Okay - that is probably not the lesson our elders were trying to impart. I am sure they all had the "right" motives involved.

The lessons that they really wanted to teach us were much more complicated/abstract: to love ourselves, to respect others, to value hard work etc etc etc.

Sometimes we got the point.

But the problem with this system is that you need to be caught for the lesson to be learned. And when we are little it is easy to be caught. As we get older we learn the art of concealing and lying. We hide things from the very people who should be helping us with our problems. And so the lessons are lost and the behavior is not changed.

When I was a teenager I knew that if I was drunk at a party and everyone else was drunk too that I could call my dad and he would (no matter the time) come and pick me up and take me home. I also knew that he would have been MAD as HELL that I had put myself in that situation in the first place. Instead of teaching me "why" I shouldn't be at a party at 2am when I was 17 (what that says about my self worth)... he taught me - whatever I do.... don't call Dad.

That was my attitude when I was a teen... and I made stupid choices, and had a few really bad things happen to me, but not so bad as to ruin my future or my body permanently. I got lucky.

I didn't turn away from my Dad based on one incident. I didn't stop trusting teachers just because of one jerk. It came from years upon years of being taught, conditioned, trained that if I did something wrong I was certain that two things were going to happen. I would get punished and I would be told that I was BAD. And those two things felt awful.

There is a huge difference between being bad and having people think that you are bad. Conversely it is just as dangerous to have people think you are good, but really you just have everyone fooled.

If my son is lying, hitting, breaking, hurting there is a reason why. Either it's because he doesn't know any better (ie a 2 year old who hits) or because there is something wrong on the inside - emotionally.

In each case I have the opportunity to address the action and the reason behind it. I want to take a holistic approach, not just deal in a cause and effect resolution.

It's my job to help my children understand why the action is "wrong/bad" and to aid them in understanding themselves enough so that they can curb that behavior. Are they bored, angry, jealous, scared? Those issues need to be addressed. Yes, consequences of one’s actions is a lesson that also must be learned and limiting privileges and writing apology letters etc etc all play their part.

I know that I am standing at the starting line, waiting for the gun to go off. Right now at almost 5 years of age this is just the beginning for Braden and me on this journey. I know that a whole host of undesirable behaviors is around the corner ready to rear their ugly little heads. I know self doubt and fear will start to be a part of Braden’s life as he enters kindergarten and we move to an unfamiliar city and new house. I know he will be influenced by his peers. He will ‘try out’ different types of behavior and ways of relating to people based on what he sees others do.

And I stand ready to help him (the best I can) navigate those rough waters of uncertainty and emotion without fear or anger on my part. With open ears and a willingness to learn who my son is as an individual and hopefully NEVER uttering the words “Oh, well now you’re IN TROUBLE!”