I read the news today, oh boy......

I don't watch the news. I don't read the newspaper. Once in a great while I will go to USA Today's website and poke around to see what I am missing. This morning I found out that I missed the big news from yesterday... the shooting at the mall in Omaha.

Some guy opened fired from the 3rd floor of a department store, killing 8 and then turned the gun on himself. He left a suicide note at home.

Well, he didn't actually live at home. His parents had kicked him out of his house a while back. He was living with a friend and his family. He had just been fired from his job at McDonald's and his girlfriend had just broke up with him....

.... the boy was 19 years old. There was a picture of him too. I almost burst into tears when I saw the blurry photo. Not that there was anything remarkable about the boy, or maybe because there was nothing remarkable about the boy. He was just a boy, a kid... someone's son, their pride and joy, their bouncing baby boy that they cuddled and loved and kissed and hugged.... Then I thought.... "Where is his mother!"

People who feel loved and accepted do not shoot random strangers. It just doesn't happen. All I could think about was "Why didn't that poor boy feel loved?" it just broke my heart.

All that emotion aside.... I understand that people don't feel loved for a whole mess of reasons. I went through about 10 years of not feeling accepted or loved by my father and family. I found other ways of dealing with it though. My mother died when I was 12 and I have come to learn that because of her death I was robbed of a certain unconditional love.

Other people are robbed of their unconditional love in other ways, not just death. Mental illness, drug addiction etc etc.... I understand that my case is not so unusual or special.

But now that I am a mom and feel such a huge sense of responsibility to my children.

My children only exist because I became pregnant and gave birth. It was a planned pregnancy. Also, I did not choose to terminate the pregnancy or give the child up for adoption. Ergo, the child exist because of ME! Because I wanted to have a baby, that is it - no other reason. I brought him into existence and now I bear the burden (and joy) of raising him teaching him and being there for him. It is my responsibility, and it is HUGE! There will never be a time that I am not his mother. There will never be a time where it is okay to give up on him, or turn my back on him. There will never be a time where I will not love him - no matter what he does. I am not saying I will be an enabler to problems he has...but I will never stop trying to get him the help he needs.

Maybe it is different for people who have kids, but not by choice. There are a myriad of reasons why people have children that weren't planned. But I wonder if that changes how a mother looks at her child. In her mind the child was GIVEN to her ... the pregnancy was not a choice, but thrust upon her out of situation. I wonder if then motherhood is just looked at as a job that lasts for a bit of time and then is over? I don't know...

I certainly know plenty of people who didn't plan for children, but ended up being completely loving and devoted parents.... so obviously my above theory has some holes.

But something is different. I don't care what everyone says, and I know what I am saying sounds harsh... but NOT all mothers are good mothers. Some are down right lousy....some are evil.

I am not the best in the world... never claimed to be.... but I don't think that I am the worst either. I think I benefit from the education I received... and I don't just mean school. But the education that taught me to fight for what I believe it, to stand up for myself and others, to demand humane treatment... to never accept defeat.

Feeling defeated is the real problem. Not the circumstance in which you became a parent. Not how much money your family has. Not the fact you went to a fancy school.....but just the feeling of having lost all hope.

That is what made me cry today when I read the news... the fact that this boy (and maybe his mom too) had lost hope... a because of that, his actions will now tear through someone else's life and continue the cycle of devastation of peoples lives.