Tristan's birthday is coming in a few days. And when it hits I will be sure to post all about him, with pictures and tribute slide shows, memories of his birth ....blah blah blah.... but today is a day of honesty.
A year ago I wasn't very honest will too many people. I was SUPER freaked out about the impending due date and was holding in (almost) absolute secrecy that I was being induced.
Deanna knew... and my neighbor Beth. Besides my parents (Aunt Karen included) and the doctor (and yes Mason) nobody else knew.
I can remember being at the MOPS meeting that Monday, just a day before I was scheduled to go into the hospital. Lying straight faced to all whose asked about 'the plans'.
I use this opportunity to say that I am sorry... I hope you all understand and forgive me.
That said, I have another confession. I don't think I have been a very good mom to Tristan over this past year. Well, yes I fed him, burped him, changed him, dressed him, bathed him (albeit infrequently) and OBSESSED about his sleeping and napping... BUT... I didn't take very many movies, read any books, take him to the zoo, play puzzles with him, play classical music in the background during his playtime, teach him to clap or wave bye bye, do any yoga with him, teach him any signs, take him to Kindermusik or Mommy and Me, finished his baby book, played hide and find the toy, etc etc etc....(all things I did with Braden)
I know a lot of the reasons why I didn't... because he's number two... but I think there is a darker more silent reason. I am afraid to get to close, because I am afraid I will lose him too.
(and yes, I totally understand that I could lose Braden ... but I don't FEEL that I could lose Braden).
I don't fully understand all of it yet, but I do feel guilty about it. And I guess I just wanted someone to know... :-(
3 comments:
*hugs & tears*
And I confess that I feel I'm not the good mom I want to be to Emma. Owen takes up so mch of my time and energy that sometimes there doesn't seem to be enough left for her. Or sometimes I think "but YOU can do it yourself. Your brother can't." And sometimes I'm too wrapped up in my own self-pity to be good to anyone. Even me.
I think to at least some degree (and maybe more), this is normal with the third baby. They're just really different. I said it quietly to a few moms of three or more and they said it's just normal for the third to feel really different.
I don't have three but I do know it's different with any after the first. And I think that your deeper hurts make it that much harder to fell the same way you felt the first time.
It's awesome that you can identify how you're feeling and write about it. Thanks for doing so.
Lisa
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