I take very seriously the job of teaching Braden what to say in all different circumstances.
When we want something we say "please"
When we burp or pass gas we say "excuse me"
When some one sneezes we say "bless you"
When we hurt someone we say " I am sorry"
When someone hurts us and says "I'm sorry" we say.....Thank you.
How many times when someone has hurt us (big or small) and apologized and we have responded with "it's okay". Women and girls do it WAY more then men and boys. With our words we brush off the fact that we were hurt and in doing so de-value the apology we are receiving.
I teach Braden that when some one apologizes to him, he says thank you. I don't force him to forgive the person right away, nor (if the offence was really hurtful) force the continued play (that is just denying that there was a confrontation which can leave kids feeling even more confused). I know that when he is ready and TRULY forgiven the friend that he will say so and it will be honest.
My job is to teach Braden how to identify his own feelings and assign appropriate words AND actions to each situation. Plus at the same time allowing him the freedom to feel what he feels without worry of it being wrong. Feelings are never wrong...actions and words can be.
A few weeks ago during rest time at school Braden's busy fingers tore off the cover of a paper back book. When I picked him up from school his teacher showed it to me and explained what happened. I thanked her for telling me and told her we would replace the book. She started to scoff at the notion saying it was no big deal and that they could tape it... I asked her "what then are we teaching Braden?" She agreed and gave me the book.
Braden and I talked about how tearing up the book with disrespectful and destructive. We ordered a new book on-line (thank you Ebay) and when it arrived Braden helped me write a note to his teacher... it read.... I am sorry that I tore the book. Here is a new book. Please forgive me. BRADEN
We arrived at school a little early that day and presented his teacher with the book and the note. She hugged him and thanked him for taking responsibility for his actions and told him she forgave him.
It may sound a bit over the top for just a 4 year old and a silly 4$ (did I mention a BIG thank you to Ebay?) book. But I feel if we don't start with the little stuff and the basics then it will just get harder and harder to instill the idea of respect, value, honesty etc etc as the years progress.
Every day there are small lessons to be learned about this world we live in. Every decisions teaches us that to our action there is a reaction.... Words and actions must 'match'. If they don't then our kids will just be receiving mixed signals from us... and eventually they will stop listening.
side note: After Braden walked away and starting playing in the discovery room... his teacher and I hugged and held our broken hearts... we both agreed that with our little ones we are so quick to kiss and make it better. That "it's okay" just comes out naturally and most of the time heartfelt. We brushed our tears aside and laughed a bit and chatted briefly about teaching the small lessons are most often harder on the parents than the kids.
1 comment:
This is a great post, Julia. I love that you teach him to say "thank you." Maybe I should put that into practice my own self, as well as teach it to the girls.
I'm usually very decisive and proactive in teaching the girls what to say, too, and we say "I forgive you" to apologies. But this makes me think, you know? Maybe allowing them to take the time to absorb it is ok, too.
I do think it's important to teach that forgiveness follows apologies. But the "it's ok" phrase will make me think twice, now.
There you go again, Julia, making me think!
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