On Sunday afternoon I got a phone call that an acquaintance from MOPS was at the hospital in labor. Then the caller went on to say that the baby had died. This girl was laboring with a stillborn... a little boy. They apologized for calling me, but said that they felt there was no one else to call... and they were right.
Since Sunday I have been busy. Arranging flowers, buying cards, visiting hospitals, crying, praying, talking, planning, calling, giving news, answering questions, being available, more crying... etc etc.
The whole experience didn't bring up my grief as much as I thought it would. But it did bring up a lot of anger (which I guess is a part of grief). I dealt with a lot of anger with Williams death.
Angry at the natural birth community, angry at the doctors and techniques that failed to save my baby (see my previous posts). Angry at other mothers who got to keep their babies, angry at the strangers who felt like that had to ask me "how many children do you have" over and over again. I got angry at the flowers that people sent, then I would be angry if people didn't send flowers. I was angry if the phone rang and angry if it didn't.... you get the point.
This week has been emotionally exhausting and my soul feels like it has been crushed. It's nothing compared to what my friend is going through, or what I went through 2 years ago... but it has been hard.
So for now, this is where my attention is focused and I think this blog will reflect that for awhile.
I am interested in how others feel about what I am writing, so please leave comments.
2 comments:
I think it's good for you to be able to write your thoughts and feelings about William. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you this week but I know there's no one better to help her through it than you. So I'm glad your there for her and are able to write about your feelings so they don't build up inside of you and wear you down. Stay strong and please let her know that my prayers and thoughts are always with her and her family.
I'm moved to tears just reading your "what to say" list. I need to hear that. I need to read it over and over again because I think simply knowing what to say and what not to say in that situation would be my first act of "doing something" for a family in grief. Also, I want you to know Julia, that I remember every detail you shared with us on the playground at Nelson Park over a year ago regarding the pregnancy, death, and birth of William. And even though I wanted to see your pictures, and know him at least by photos, I never did come over to your house to do it. I'm sorry. I remember though. I'll always remember him.
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