1.25.2007

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I am insecure. Anyone who knows me well enough knows this. People who don't know me very well think my bravado comes from confidence, but it doesn't... it comes from not wanting to look that I don't (fit it, understand something, get the joke.... etc).

I have been told of my faults enough times throughout my life to believe that I have reason to worry. And even though (now as an adult) I have heard more positive than negative I still worry and I am still insecure.

Being a friend and having friends is very important... nay it is essential to being a woman and especially a mother... see previous post. I have a lot of friends. At least I think I have a lot of friends. It may be that my parents are paying a few people, but I do know some that are doing some pro bono work.

So, I have a lot of friends that help me out. But I always wonder why... I am always insecure that the person doesn't really like me that much. That they are just putting up with me because I live next door, or helping out because they think it is the right thing to do... or whatever.

Now, I know what you are going to say - that it is an insult to the other person, my assumption that they have ulterior motives - I know. But like I said, I am insecure.

It's just that I never really feel that the help I give in return is enough to balance out the help they have given me. I just so greatly appreciate the help I get that I cannot believe that the help I give others means as much....

Maybe this is my big life lesson. Maybe that is why Mason has to be gone so much. Maybe if I just keep giving help and asking for help at some point I will feel that it is balanced.... maybe....

2 comments:

Deanna said...

Quit worrying so much!! We really do love you!!

martha.durham said...

Julia,

I often feel the same way. I like you just the way you are! Just remember how much of an impact you have made on my life-you are a great friend! Just a few weeks until you see Mason!
Love,
Martha