I am addicted to chocolate. Ice cream... chocolate ice cream. For almost a year I ate ice cream every night in bed watching tv. And if I didn't have ice cream in the house I would get up and go to the store to buy some.... even if it was 10 o'clock at night. That is just plain wrong.
When we moved into the apartment in April I decided to go cold turkey. I was angry at my weakness. My thoughts were all consuming. After lunch and then dinner all I would think about was chocolate. For awhile I ate Keebler Soft Batch chocolate chip cookies... but I started to make myself sick...so I quit those too.
I thought about writing about this on my blog months ago. I had this big idea of announcing my plan to quit and then blog about how it was going..... but I was so afraid... no more chocolate ever? it was like losing a limb.
For a while here in Little Rock I was doing great. Until last week. It had been almost 6 whole months that I had no ice cream or cookies.... that is probably how I lost so much weight.
But last week I fell off the wagon.
My dad has type 2 diabetes, and although I haven't had a doctor come right out and say it I think I do too. I can feel sugar reacting in my body just after a few bites. It is like a toxin. I think it was being pregnant so much over the past few years. I think I have permanently altered my chemistry.
My dad told me once the reason he never cheats on his new diet. He said " every time I eat something I shouldn't I damage myself... and I can never repair that once it is done."
So last week I ate ice cream twice a day. After lunch and after dinner. It tastes so good, but it hurts so bad. I rationalize with myself that if I eat it fast (like a whole half gallon in a few days) than it won't be as bad for me because I can get to quitting again.
It is a very hard battle to deal with. Every where I go... and I mean EVERY where... there is chocolate or some other form a sugar.... there is even candy at the checkout aisle of Home Depot.
Every day I have to remind myself that sugar is evil.... it does me no good.
It makes me angry. Angry that I have no control over this addiction... and that is what I firmly believe it is... an addiction... It would consume my thoughts. I would rationalize the behavior I would do it time and time again although I felt sick afterwards. MY BODY would CRAVE it!
I feel so silly too.... who in the world is addicted to chocolate... really.... come on now... it seems like such an easy thing to manage.... but it is not. Every day I think about it. Everyday I fight the urge to eat "just one cookie" or that slice of cake.... dang..... how many places now a days have cake? Work, school AND church.... enough people! I can't take it any more.
But I am back on the wagon now. Doing well... I have some cereal at night sometimes to keep the chocolate monster at bay... One day at a time... no joke!