January Sucks

I didn't write about it before because I was on vacation.


But the news today hit me particularly hard.
I am sure any news of a tragic untimely death hits A LOT of people hard... not just me.




Our last morning in paradise January 13th was the anniversary of my mother's death.

It has been 20 years since she died.



That statement hits me hard, knocks the wind out of me. It's stunning and confusing to think that I have been alive longer without my mother than with.

How different am I. Would she, could she be able to see that 12 year old in me now?

I know I am different because I lost her. There is something about losing your source of unconditional love that changes a person... permanently.

The gift/curse is that I CAN remember what that felt like. Being wrapped in her arms sitting on her lap. Complete peace, safety and love.


I didn't notice right away that something was horribly missing. She died after a long battle with breast cancer so by the time she passed away it was not a surprise. I was very close to my father and we bonded and forged ahead. I was headed into my teenage (or what I call the parent hating) years anyway so it was easy to 'ignore' .


About half way through college that changed. I stopped lying, partying and basically being stupid. So did most of my friends. We all turned back to our families to find our identity and our place in this world. My girlfriends turned to their mothers. I would see them on parent's weekend. Chatting, shopping, laughing. You could see the mother in the daughter and visa versa.



I clung to my dad, who by this time had had enough of me lying partying and basically being stupid. He saw me differently now, nothing could change that.


That's when I grieved. That is when I cried and asked questions about my mom, looked at her pictures, her wedding album, her death book. That is when my dad dug out all the old slides from before they were married and made pictures for me. Its when my step-mother silently supported us as I dragged dad down memory lane. Asking him to tell stories over and over. Pulling out the home movies and the pictures at every visit.


Twenty years. No longer do I cringe when mother's day comes around, walking in to the Hallmark store does not produce tears. Some years the 13th has come and gone without me noticing. I can talk about my mom or my tattoo with a smile. No longer am I the only one of my friends who has lost a parent.


Twenty years is a long time. But not long enough to erase that feeling of love. Pure, unconditional, safe love. Today it's a curse... tomorrow it will be a gift.