how did I get here?

"but it's my life....my life ya know, not some man's life that I am going to help him out with... but mine!"

It's a line from an old 70s movie. But as I heard it the other night I had my Oprah "A-HA" moment. It was the perfect wording for what I had been feeling recently. How did I become the 'supporting' character in my own play? How did I get to this exact point in my life? All the choices I made were my own, no one forced me to marry and have kids... and I certainly wasn't raised thinking that I had to do so to be happy. But somehow I ended up like so many of us. Just existing, almost trapped in a situation that feels so beyond our control, and yet there is no one to blame but ourselves.

And really, it's not so much the being married part that has limited my options. Because if Mason wasn't in the military then it wouldn't have been so clear cut as to who's career to support and follow.

It's the children. My life forever changed when I became a mother. And the change is deeper than sleepless nights, no time to ones self and a different body. I feel as though I gave up my options for what I wanted out of life. No longer can I indulge the fantasy of owning a bed and breakfast in Jamaica, or up and joining the peace corps or go to China and teach English.

I had the chance to do all of these things when I was younger... but I was fearful and unsure of myself. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted.... and now that I do feel confident in my abilities and have a smarter head on my shoulders I am no longer at the wheel. It's not my choice to make.

I don't speak for every woman I know... but I can only assume that there are others out there who feel the way I do. When they stop and look at their life... the endless driving to and from.... the laundry cooking and cleaning ...... the days that flow from one to another without any discernable difference... Was this really what we wanted out of life?

And I look at our husbands. They have worked hard to get where they are in their jobs, they have supported us through labor and late nights. They have had their world changed with marriage and children. The house is noisy, they get less attention from us, they have more chores. But whatever their hobbies were before the kids came, they still have them. Whatever dreams of career and goals they had are still there.

My life was forever changed and turned upside down.... Mason's... not so much.

Now, I'm not saying that Mason's life wasn't affected at all. He is a hands on dad (as much as he job allows) and my best friend. I won't belittle the effect that children and marriage have had on his life. I'm just saying that it is different.

I still don't know what I want to do. I didn't know what I wanted to do when I graduated college either. It was my own laziness and comfortable situation (being married to Mason) that allowed me the self indulgence of not having to choose. Quietly and by own choice I slipped into this conventional role... I fell asleep and 7 years later I have woken up disoriented and lost.

It could be that the military's to blame. I could make a good argument for it I am sure. But I think that's part of my problem. Looking to another source to assign blame. I know a good many wives and mothers who are military spouses who keep their dreams and goals in sight...

So what's wrong with me? Now that I have woken up what will I choose to do about it?

I have no idea... but I promise that once I figure it out, I will let you know!