Learning Curve - another long post.

I've had 3 babies in 4 years. I discovered I was pregnant with my first, Braden, in October of 2002. Tristan, my last was born in October 2006. Funny how it happened that way. During those 4 years not only was I pregnant and birthing children, but a majority of my friends were too. My friend Beth and I were pregnant the same time as each other for all three of our babies.

I feel like I have been pretty well educated regarding pregnancy and birth. I have had many conversations with MANY women about it. Home birth, natural birth, vaginal birth, scheduled c-sections, emergency c-sections and adoption. In the past four years I have been treated, seen or spoken to at length: family practice doctors, nurse-midwives, regular midwives, OB doctors, nurses and doulas. I read books: The American Way of Birth Pregnancy Childbirth and the Newborn The Birth Partner The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth and I skimmed through Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way . This list doesn't include all of pop-culture books were are told to read (which I did) Girlfriends guide to Pregnancy, What to Expect when you're Expecting, Etcetera... Etcetera... Etcetera...

All three of my children were born in different hospitals with very differing circumstances. Braden: slow to start very long (48 hours) almost completely natural birth ... William: induced at 39 1/2 weeks stillbirth 8 hours long (epidural yes, drugs no). Tristan: induced at 38 1/2 weeks 13 hours of labor followed by a c-section at 1am.

I originally wanted to have Braden at home, even though midwifery is illegal in Illinois. I settled on seeing a nurse-midwife that the military provided. Halfway through my care, she got transferred. She was the one who recommend Dr. Smith, a family practice resident. To be doubly safe I hired a doula. After much interviewing via phone and researching I settled on a doula who specialized in home birth but who was willing to go to the hospital. I wanted someone there who would have the techniques and experience of dealing with a completely natural birth. Unfortunately she was horrible. She came equipped with her 'hot sock" and her birth ball. That was it. All the stories of massage and acupressure(which she was trained in) and support that I had read and heard about had prepared me to trust this woman who was at my side. For 48 hours she was more of a pain and a nuisance. At one point SHE broke down crying, fearing that we were going to lose Braden. It was a nightmare. I eventually reported her to Doulas of North America. It took two long years to go through the license revoking process, during which time DONA began to understand how messed up she was.

After moving to Texas and getting pregant with William I was totally freaked out by the unusually high percentage of c-sections in the Abilene area. So, I met with a midwife to persue the homebirth option again. But after several conversations I started to loose faith in the "all natural path" of birth. I think she just reminded me too much of Barb. I started to think that all these people had no idea what they were talking about. I asked her for a recogmendation for a doctor and went on my way.

I loved Dr. Martin, in a lot of ways he reminded me of Dr. Smith. He had a wonderfuly casual and natrual approach to pregancy and birth. It was a very easy and quick pregancy. I had one ultra-sound at 20 weeks (thanks Tri-Care). Everything was normal and perfect ( or so we thought). Wednesday the 13th of April I woke up in the middle of the night to go the bathroom. Not much unsuall there. But unlike the dribble amount usally produced, out came (what felt like) 2 gallons of urine. I didn't think much about it then, and now that I look back on the situation I can't believe I wasn't paying better attention. I didn't notice anthing was wrong until that Friday when I stepped on the scale at the doctors office and I had lost 4 pounds. Bells started going off. I waited on the exam table for Dr. Martin to come in. He arrived. I took his picture for William's baby book. We sat down to talk. " I lost 4 pounds"I said "That's okay" he reassured me "How do you feel?" "Fine" I replied "I am sure there is nothing to worry about. Lets get you on the table for a listen."

He laid me back and I lifted up my shirt. He turned the doppler on and placed it low on my tummy. Nothing. No noise, just that empty hissing of the machine. My heart started to pound. "Has he flipped this week?" Dr. Martin asks. I say "No" and as the word escapes my lips I know there is something wrong. The nurse sees the panic in my eyes. Dr. Martin moves the doppler around on my stomach calmly, but now with a sense of urgency and purpose. " No, No, No" I say as I try to sit up. They guide me back down. We all wait, straining to hear that familar lub-lub of the fetal heart. But all that comes is silence and the hiss of the doppler. I start screaming, the room starts spining. We call Mason.

October 2006:A year and a half later I am at the hospital waiting to be induced with Tristan. I have asked for Cervadil and we are waiting on Dr. Anderson to come and administer it. There is an uneasy feeling about being in a L& D room again. Everyone is attentive and confident that this will be a quick easy labor. Mason and I are aprehensive and worried.

Tristan had been moniterd closely during the whole pregancy. I had an ultra sound every other visit. I counted his and logged his movement starting early. His growth was normal and good. No cord complcations could be seen. Fluid levels were great, heart beat strong. And yet we were scared.

Dr Anderson, a traditional OB doc, was always very reasurring. He never dismissed my fears or questions. He seemed very confident that Tristan would be an easy and quick labor. I had my doubts, but still I tried to relax and have faith in my doctor. I had asked for Cervadil. It had worked so well with William, and I didn't want a repeat of Braden. Dr. A didn't think I needed it, but agreed to use it anyway. I can remember the second before he broke my water... I thought "WAIT" but I didn't say anything. I had been wrong with each of my pregancies before I figured with 20 years under his belt he would know a thing or two. I sat there leaking fluid and having mild contractions. I laid down. They stopped. I sat up they started again. I should have know what was going on. But my nurse nor Dr. A seemed to think it was odd. I got up and walked around un-hooked from my monitor for over 30 minutes. That got things going pretty well. But when they caught me and I sat back down the contractions stooped. I squatted, rotated my hips and sat in the rocking chair. On, off. On, off. Pitocin up, contractions then nothing... After 8 hours of labor I was at 5cm dilated 50% effaced and a -1 to -2 station. I really didn't want an epidural. Although it was a lifesaver with William I had had a few complications and wanted to steer clear. At night Dr Anderson suggests and epidural so that they can "really jack up" the pitocin levels. I said yes. I know what that feels like without one. Epidural in... bring on the shakes. Shakes? in come the warm blankets. After 4 hours with the epidural I remain the same. No progress. Dr. Anderson wants me to keep going through the night. I am exhausted. I had not eaten all day. I cannot stop the shaking, no matter what I tell them, no one seems to have a cure for the shaking. At 11pm I call it. I tell the nurse, to page Dr. Anderson. I am not going anywhere. No one has any idea what else to do other than keep me lying there. Lets get this show on the road. 2 hours later at 1:19am Tristan is born. Later the doctor tells me that he thinks Tristan's head was too big. I didn't buy it.

Someday I will write about c-sections. But not today.

Even after all these experiences I still have so many questions. Why was I given Cervadil with William but not Braden? Why didn't Tristan descend? Why couldn't they tell that William was in distress ... Why couldn't I? Why did they think my water was broken with Braden? and how come breaking my water with Tristan didn't do anything?

How could I have prepared myself better? How much more should I have read? What else should I have done so that I could have prevented the surgery? How do millions of women have children each year in this country and so many of us have no idea what we are doing?

Birth is completely foreign. No woman that I knew had ever experienced it before having her own children. None of us knew anything about it. We all learned about it after the fact. Not much good that does us. We don't educate ourselves, because we are sent the message that there is nothing to educated us about. That all these doctors nurses (and now doulas) working with the techniques and medicines will take of it all for us. And yet, we are all so different. Our bodies and babies are different. Why in the world do we buy into the fact that all labors will be the same. That if you follow steps 1 2 and 3 your baby will be delivered perfectly.

Women need to be told, educated completley. None of this "big head" stuff. Tell us what is really going on. Let us learn and make informed decisions.

I thought that is what I was doing, but now I wonder.... how steep is this learning curve?