Don't worry so much about what you will say, just be sure you listen.
8.31.2007
Instead...
All of these ideas come from http://www.babylosskit.com/what.html
"Who can I call for you? Let me help gather loving support around you."
"Cry when you need to because I know your tears are helping you grieve."
"This child was unique, special and irreplaceable. I know children are not interchangeable and the fact that you can have other children does not lessen the grief of losing this one."
"Talk to me, share your thoughts, feelings and memories of your baby. I know that you haven't forgotten your baby or your pain just because I'm afraid to mention it."
"When you've decided what you want to do with your baby's clothes, toys and furniture, I'll help you sort through it all. And if you need to cry, I'll bring the tissues."
"Let me take your baby's sibling to the park, read a story or tickle their toes. I know you don't feel like laughing or playing right now."
"I'm going to run errands now---is there anything I can pick up or do for you?
"Be patient with yourself and give yourself time to heal."
"There is no particular way you 'should' feel or things you 'should' do. There are no rules about how grieving should go."
"Don't worry about your baby's brothers and sisters at the funeral--I'll watch them and give them extra love and attention."
"I'll be over to pick up your baby's brother or sister to take them to school, Grandma's house, or to their soccer game--I'll even stay and cheer them on! And I'll listen to their feelings about losing a baby brother or sister. They need to know their world is safe even though yours doesn't feel that way right now."
"I'll help fill out medical forms, walk the dog, pay bills or answer the phone. I understand that it's hard to deal with the mundane details of life right now."
"I know it seems like a long time, but you don't have to 'get over' the loss of your baby on any time table. You'll feel better when you do and I'll still be here."
"Tell me more about your pregnancy and your baby...I'm interested and I'm not tired of hearing the same stories. I know sometimes you need to keep going over those events until they seem real and more tolerable."
"Wasn't it a year ago that you lost your baby? How about we go for a walk or out to lunch. And I'll remember this day next year and the year after."
"How are you doing today? If you don't feel like answering the phone, I'll just leave a message to let you know that I love you and was thinking about you. I'm sure you'll return my call when you feel up to it."
"I've found a list of local support groups in your community, synagogue or church and I'll take you if you'd like to go."
"I understand if you're having a hard time being my friend when I have a new baby and you've lost yours. I love you and I'll be here when you're ready."
"Don't feel guilty because you laughed today."
"I'm here. Call me any time of the day or night. I'll cry with you, I'll listen to you and I'll even laugh with you. I'll always have tissues."
"Who can I call for you? Let me help gather loving support around you."
"Cry when you need to because I know your tears are helping you grieve."
"This child was unique, special and irreplaceable. I know children are not interchangeable and the fact that you can have other children does not lessen the grief of losing this one."
"Talk to me, share your thoughts, feelings and memories of your baby. I know that you haven't forgotten your baby or your pain just because I'm afraid to mention it."
"When you've decided what you want to do with your baby's clothes, toys and furniture, I'll help you sort through it all. And if you need to cry, I'll bring the tissues."
"Let me take your baby's sibling to the park, read a story or tickle their toes. I know you don't feel like laughing or playing right now."
"I'm going to run errands now---is there anything I can pick up or do for you?
"Be patient with yourself and give yourself time to heal."
"There is no particular way you 'should' feel or things you 'should' do. There are no rules about how grieving should go."
"Don't worry about your baby's brothers and sisters at the funeral--I'll watch them and give them extra love and attention."
"I'll be over to pick up your baby's brother or sister to take them to school, Grandma's house, or to their soccer game--I'll even stay and cheer them on! And I'll listen to their feelings about losing a baby brother or sister. They need to know their world is safe even though yours doesn't feel that way right now."
"I'll help fill out medical forms, walk the dog, pay bills or answer the phone. I understand that it's hard to deal with the mundane details of life right now."
"I know it seems like a long time, but you don't have to 'get over' the loss of your baby on any time table. You'll feel better when you do and I'll still be here."
"Tell me more about your pregnancy and your baby...I'm interested and I'm not tired of hearing the same stories. I know sometimes you need to keep going over those events until they seem real and more tolerable."
"Wasn't it a year ago that you lost your baby? How about we go for a walk or out to lunch. And I'll remember this day next year and the year after."
"How are you doing today? If you don't feel like answering the phone, I'll just leave a message to let you know that I love you and was thinking about you. I'm sure you'll return my call when you feel up to it."
"I've found a list of local support groups in your community, synagogue or church and I'll take you if you'd like to go."
"I understand if you're having a hard time being my friend when I have a new baby and you've lost yours. I love you and I'll be here when you're ready."
"Don't feel guilty because you laughed today."
"I'm here. Call me any time of the day or night. I'll cry with you, I'll listen to you and I'll even laugh with you. I'll always have tissues."
What NOT to say....
You can always have another.
You’re still young enough to have more children. They don’t want a different child they want this one.
Now you have an angel looking after you. They don't want an angel, they want their baby back.
Your baby is in a better place now.
Don’t worry, you’ll see him again.
At least you didn't know your baby. Whether you held your baby in your arms or only in your mind, this baby is real.
Have you ever thought of not having children? Yes, it has crossed their mind.
Be grateful for the children you have. It isn't a question of being ungrateful or not appreciating what you have.
At least you still have your other child.
At least he didn’t suffer.
It was God's will.
It was meant to be or it was for the best.
Time heals all wounds.
It could have been worse...
You will get over this in time...
I understand how you feel. Even if you have had a miscarriage, every one feels their grief uniquely. (While you could very well share similar situations, each person grieves differently) Avoid telling them about other miscarriages - Avoid telling them about other people's tragic losses during this time, or making comparisons to other people who have also lost pregnancies. They have enough of their own feelings to deal with.
The number one thing NOT to say.... that EVERYONE says:
“Call me if you need anything” or "Let me know if there is anything I can do for you."
Although it might sound like the right thing to say, it is taken as a nice, but rather empty gesture. The problem lies with the fact the grieving person/persons is really not sure themselves what is needed to be done. And the things that they DO have to get done are almost impossible to think about (caskets, funeral arrangements, what to tell their surviving children, what to say in the obituary). Having to name something or the pressure of deciding yes or no can be overwhelming. Also, it is said as a exiting statement, no phone number is given either. Plus most people will not pick up the phone and ask someone to come do something for them. It feels like an imposition. Instead talk with someone who IS helping in organizing care for the family and tell them to call you when there is a need to be filled and then give them your number.
crying is sometimes a good thing
“The mention of my childs name may bring tears to my eyes but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you really are my friend let me hear the beautiful music of his name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul."
This Past Week
On Sunday afternoon I got a phone call that an acquaintance from MOPS was at the hospital in labor. Then the caller went on to say that the baby had died. This girl was laboring with a stillborn... a little boy. They apologized for calling me, but said that they felt there was no one else to call... and they were right.
Since Sunday I have been busy. Arranging flowers, buying cards, visiting hospitals, crying, praying, talking, planning, calling, giving news, answering questions, being available, more crying... etc etc.
The whole experience didn't bring up my grief as much as I thought it would. But it did bring up a lot of anger (which I guess is a part of grief). I dealt with a lot of anger with Williams death.
Angry at the natural birth community, angry at the doctors and techniques that failed to save my baby (see my previous posts). Angry at other mothers who got to keep their babies, angry at the strangers who felt like that had to ask me "how many children do you have" over and over again. I got angry at the flowers that people sent, then I would be angry if people didn't send flowers. I was angry if the phone rang and angry if it didn't.... you get the point.
This week has been emotionally exhausting and my soul feels like it has been crushed. It's nothing compared to what my friend is going through, or what I went through 2 years ago... but it has been hard.
So for now, this is where my attention is focused and I think this blog will reflect that for awhile.
I am interested in how others feel about what I am writing, so please leave comments.
Since Sunday I have been busy. Arranging flowers, buying cards, visiting hospitals, crying, praying, talking, planning, calling, giving news, answering questions, being available, more crying... etc etc.
The whole experience didn't bring up my grief as much as I thought it would. But it did bring up a lot of anger (which I guess is a part of grief). I dealt with a lot of anger with Williams death.
Angry at the natural birth community, angry at the doctors and techniques that failed to save my baby (see my previous posts). Angry at other mothers who got to keep their babies, angry at the strangers who felt like that had to ask me "how many children do you have" over and over again. I got angry at the flowers that people sent, then I would be angry if people didn't send flowers. I was angry if the phone rang and angry if it didn't.... you get the point.
This week has been emotionally exhausting and my soul feels like it has been crushed. It's nothing compared to what my friend is going through, or what I went through 2 years ago... but it has been hard.
So for now, this is where my attention is focused and I think this blog will reflect that for awhile.
I am interested in how others feel about what I am writing, so please leave comments.
8.29.2007
Kicks Count
Suzanne Pullen
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Days before a scheduled Cesarean section of her 39- week old son, the movements inside Blair Blanks womb noticeable slowed. Thinking it was because it he was too big to have any room to move, she was blindsided when she went in for surgery and doctors found no heartbeat.
"The word stillbirth was never mentioned to me," said Blair, who lives in Baltimore, MD. "I was told all about the back-to-sleep method for preventing SIDS. Now I discover that the risk of having a stillbirth is about 10 times the risk of a SIDS death. I was never told anything about kick counting. I am outraged that no one ever told me what to look for."
In the 1970s and '80s, studies showed that use of kick counting charts -- a self-monitoring practice where a mother logs how often she feels movement over a specific period of time -- had greatly reduced stillbirth rates. But after a study of 68,000 women published in the Lancet in 1989 asserted that there was no benefit from kick counting, teaching it quickly fell out of practice.
But in the last few years, stillbirth advocates have been challenging the study's findings. The largest flaw, according to stillbirth researcher Dr. Frederick Froen, was that stillbirth rates in both the study group and the control group -- which was told that kick counting would be studied but told not to do it -- decreased significantly.
In 2005, Froen surveyed more than 5,000 women with a stillbirth. Fifty percent had noticed a decrease in their baby's movements several days prior to their loss. Fifty-six percent said it was the first reason they had to believe something was wrong.
Richard K. Olsen, founder of the National Stillbirth Society, said more than 67 percent of his members with a loss were never told about kick counting. Of the women who had been, only three percent said their doctors recommended it and explained how to do it.
Olsen believes the number of stillbirths occurring for unknown reasons could be cut in half if the medical community endorsed kick counting.
"We need to make mothers aware of how to monitor fetal activity," said Olsen, whose daughter, Camille, was stillborn at full-term. "Just like the 'Back to Sleep' campaign dramatically reduced the number of SIDS deaths, so can kick counting reduce stillbirths."
Dr. Ruth Fretts with Brigham and Women's Hospital at Harvard University believes it is possible that mothers also may be picking up on signs of fetal distress that are not noted during non-stress tests, an exam where the baby's movements, growth and heart rate are monitored. She pointed out that 10 percent of stillbirths in the Lancet study were correctly predicted by mothers who reported reduced fetal movements. But when formal fetal testing and non-stress tests came back reassuring, the information was not acted upon.
Fretts said she found similar missed opportunities to intervene in a study she published last year of more than 500 women who reported feeling decreased fetal movements. They were four times more likely to have a stillbirth. Forty-four percent of them had babies that were below average weight.
"(Doctors) were relieved because the testing was falsely reassuring," said Fretts. "Reduced fetal movements and a normal non-stress should still require additional testing. The baby might be fine when it is being monitored, but not later on."
Reduced fetal movements and below average weight are evidence that some stillbirths happen over time and can be avoided, said Dr. Diep Nguyen, founder of the BabyKick Alliance. She believes mothers may be picking up on something that formal testing is missing.
"The goal for kick counting is to encourage moms to be aware of their babies and to empower them to be a part of the medical team to ensure a safe and healthy pregnancy," said Nguyen, who witnessed a sibling being stillborn when she was 12-years-old. She said that kick counting later helped another sister avoid repeating the family tragedy.
While there are several different tracking methods, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists recommends charting how long it takes for a baby to complete 10 movements and to alert a doctor if there is a change in the baby's pattern. "I think a lot of doctors don't trust pregnant women enough to give them any significant role in judging the well-being of their babies," said Blanks. "It's a very patronizing attitude. So women have no choice but to wait until each doctor visit to find out if their babies are OK, and in the meantime they are left feeling powerless and uncertain."
Nguyen, who tell her patients to begin counting at 24 weeks, while the standard is 28 weeks, said that some doctors don't teach kick counting because they think it will cause mothers to panic unnecessarily, but that studies show no increase in a mother's anxiety when she is given clear directions about how to count and about a baby's normal sleep cycles. "(Doctors) seem to be concerned that kick counting will cause women to worry and call them at 2 a.m. in the morning and say 'I'm having a stillbirth,'" Olsen said. "But we don't seem to be worried about alarming air travelers by practically stripping them to their shorts before they are allowed on a plane. Given a choice, I think women will choose knowing over not knowing."
Blanks will never know if counting her son James' kicks would have prevented his death, but she hopes her story will encourage others to make it common practice. "It's free and easy and could save your baby," she said.
For more information on kick counting methods, visit www.babykickalliance.org
This article appeared on page P - 12 of the San Francisco Chronicle
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Days before a scheduled Cesarean section of her 39- week old son, the movements inside Blair Blanks womb noticeable slowed. Thinking it was because it he was too big to have any room to move, she was blindsided when she went in for surgery and doctors found no heartbeat.
"The word stillbirth was never mentioned to me," said Blair, who lives in Baltimore, MD. "I was told all about the back-to-sleep method for preventing SIDS. Now I discover that the risk of having a stillbirth is about 10 times the risk of a SIDS death. I was never told anything about kick counting. I am outraged that no one ever told me what to look for."
In the 1970s and '80s, studies showed that use of kick counting charts -- a self-monitoring practice where a mother logs how often she feels movement over a specific period of time -- had greatly reduced stillbirth rates. But after a study of 68,000 women published in the Lancet in 1989 asserted that there was no benefit from kick counting, teaching it quickly fell out of practice.
But in the last few years, stillbirth advocates have been challenging the study's findings. The largest flaw, according to stillbirth researcher Dr. Frederick Froen, was that stillbirth rates in both the study group and the control group -- which was told that kick counting would be studied but told not to do it -- decreased significantly.
In 2005, Froen surveyed more than 5,000 women with a stillbirth. Fifty percent had noticed a decrease in their baby's movements several days prior to their loss. Fifty-six percent said it was the first reason they had to believe something was wrong.
Richard K. Olsen, founder of the National Stillbirth Society, said more than 67 percent of his members with a loss were never told about kick counting. Of the women who had been, only three percent said their doctors recommended it and explained how to do it.
Olsen believes the number of stillbirths occurring for unknown reasons could be cut in half if the medical community endorsed kick counting.
"We need to make mothers aware of how to monitor fetal activity," said Olsen, whose daughter, Camille, was stillborn at full-term. "Just like the 'Back to Sleep' campaign dramatically reduced the number of SIDS deaths, so can kick counting reduce stillbirths."
Dr. Ruth Fretts with Brigham and Women's Hospital at Harvard University believes it is possible that mothers also may be picking up on signs of fetal distress that are not noted during non-stress tests, an exam where the baby's movements, growth and heart rate are monitored. She pointed out that 10 percent of stillbirths in the Lancet study were correctly predicted by mothers who reported reduced fetal movements. But when formal fetal testing and non-stress tests came back reassuring, the information was not acted upon.
Fretts said she found similar missed opportunities to intervene in a study she published last year of more than 500 women who reported feeling decreased fetal movements. They were four times more likely to have a stillbirth. Forty-four percent of them had babies that were below average weight.
"(Doctors) were relieved because the testing was falsely reassuring," said Fretts. "Reduced fetal movements and a normal non-stress should still require additional testing. The baby might be fine when it is being monitored, but not later on."
Reduced fetal movements and below average weight are evidence that some stillbirths happen over time and can be avoided, said Dr. Diep Nguyen, founder of the BabyKick Alliance. She believes mothers may be picking up on something that formal testing is missing.
"The goal for kick counting is to encourage moms to be aware of their babies and to empower them to be a part of the medical team to ensure a safe and healthy pregnancy," said Nguyen, who witnessed a sibling being stillborn when she was 12-years-old. She said that kick counting later helped another sister avoid repeating the family tragedy.
While there are several different tracking methods, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists recommends charting how long it takes for a baby to complete 10 movements and to alert a doctor if there is a change in the baby's pattern. "I think a lot of doctors don't trust pregnant women enough to give them any significant role in judging the well-being of their babies," said Blanks. "It's a very patronizing attitude. So women have no choice but to wait until each doctor visit to find out if their babies are OK, and in the meantime they are left feeling powerless and uncertain."
Nguyen, who tell her patients to begin counting at 24 weeks, while the standard is 28 weeks, said that some doctors don't teach kick counting because they think it will cause mothers to panic unnecessarily, but that studies show no increase in a mother's anxiety when she is given clear directions about how to count and about a baby's normal sleep cycles. "(Doctors) seem to be concerned that kick counting will cause women to worry and call them at 2 a.m. in the morning and say 'I'm having a stillbirth,'" Olsen said. "But we don't seem to be worried about alarming air travelers by practically stripping them to their shorts before they are allowed on a plane. Given a choice, I think women will choose knowing over not knowing."
Blanks will never know if counting her son James' kicks would have prevented his death, but she hopes her story will encourage others to make it common practice. "It's free and easy and could save your baby," she said.
For more information on kick counting methods, visit www.babykickalliance.org
This article appeared on page P - 12 of the San Francisco Chronicle
Some thoughts about the mothering article.
While standing in the check out line at Whole Foods I picked up a copy of Mothering to pass the time.
I purchased the magazine on the spot when I noticed that they had an article about stillbirth. For those of you who don't know, Mothering is a magazine devoted to natural living, all natural home birth and attachment parenting... etc... etc.
I was pro home birth from the start. The more I educated myself about birth and the difference between treatment of the mother during a home versus hospital birth the more I believed that the 'natural' way people were right.
And they are... kind of....
It's true that midwives were virtually wiped out of existence by the new and up and coming doctors in Europe and then America. All the knowledge of birth passed down from generation to generation, woman to woman between the midwives was eventually lost. The new doctors scoffed at the idea of an uneducated woman knowing more about birth than they did.
Our birth model today is built on what these early doctors had 'discovered'. They treated the birthing women as helpless and unable to understand and control or help the situation. They developed instruments that were intended to 'assist' the birthing process... They were invented by individual doctors, patented and then sold... most (if not all of the devices) were completely unnecessary.
Now, in the 21st century we are finally turning a corner and accepting that birth is natural and that women need to be informed and empowered. We are also told that the modern day tools (used by doctors) are just as harmful and evil as the ones 300 years prior.
Too many ultrasounds can hurt the baby, Dopplers are not effective, amnios are wrong too much of the time and glucose testing is cruel and useless...
And they are.... Kind of....
The majority of women in America can choose two types of births. Home (and all that it entails) or hospital (ditto). There is a small fraction of ladies who have other options available to them. Birth centers, midwives who deliver at hospitals...etc... These are wonderful things, and I am grateful that they exists and I look forward to the day when all L&Ds have birth tubs, birth balls doulas and midwives... right now that is not the case ... so I write this post to the rest of us.
There is balance that needs to be struck regarding birth. Because it is true that changing positions during labor, walking, eating, sitting in a bath/shower can help ... but sometimes it won't. And telling a woman that if they had only had a doula or midwife or done XYZ they could have spared themselves a c-section is not only false... but mean too. Sometimes heads are too big, or shoulders get stuck. Sometimes cords are in the wrong place. Sometimes placentas detach.
I had high hopes for the Mothering article. I was hoping the writer would touch upon a lesson she learned from losing her daughter. That technology has a place and can be used along side with natural birthing techniques. I wanted the writer to convey her feelings and opinions regarding natural birth and hospitalized birth. Was she angry with herself? With the system? Did she feel like it failed her? Did she harbor resentment to her midwife? Did she blame her?
And what about the second baby? Did she stick with the all natural approach or did she have a doctor the second time around. I felt like a huge opportunity was missed with this article. An opportunity to show the pros and cons of each side.
To me the piece almost glamorized stillbirth as this wonderful natural occurrence that lead this particular mother to a higher understanding of herself and the world. There is no mention of pain or fear. No mention of the all consuming anger that takes over, or dealing with death that occurs inside you - physically and emotionally. Those are all part of the story too. That is where the lesson is learned... after the betrayal.
The only way women will be able to reclaim the birth process is through information and education... which I feel this particular piece lacked.
I purchased the magazine on the spot when I noticed that they had an article about stillbirth. For those of you who don't know, Mothering is a magazine devoted to natural living, all natural home birth and attachment parenting... etc... etc.
I was pro home birth from the start. The more I educated myself about birth and the difference between treatment of the mother during a home versus hospital birth the more I believed that the 'natural' way people were right.
And they are... kind of....
It's true that midwives were virtually wiped out of existence by the new and up and coming doctors in Europe and then America. All the knowledge of birth passed down from generation to generation, woman to woman between the midwives was eventually lost. The new doctors scoffed at the idea of an uneducated woman knowing more about birth than they did.
Our birth model today is built on what these early doctors had 'discovered'. They treated the birthing women as helpless and unable to understand and control or help the situation. They developed instruments that were intended to 'assist' the birthing process... They were invented by individual doctors, patented and then sold... most (if not all of the devices) were completely unnecessary.
Now, in the 21st century we are finally turning a corner and accepting that birth is natural and that women need to be informed and empowered. We are also told that the modern day tools (used by doctors) are just as harmful and evil as the ones 300 years prior.
Too many ultrasounds can hurt the baby, Dopplers are not effective, amnios are wrong too much of the time and glucose testing is cruel and useless...
And they are.... Kind of....
The majority of women in America can choose two types of births. Home (and all that it entails) or hospital (ditto). There is a small fraction of ladies who have other options available to them. Birth centers, midwives who deliver at hospitals...etc... These are wonderful things, and I am grateful that they exists and I look forward to the day when all L&Ds have birth tubs, birth balls doulas and midwives... right now that is not the case ... so I write this post to the rest of us.
There is balance that needs to be struck regarding birth. Because it is true that changing positions during labor, walking, eating, sitting in a bath/shower can help ... but sometimes it won't. And telling a woman that if they had only had a doula or midwife or done XYZ they could have spared themselves a c-section is not only false... but mean too. Sometimes heads are too big, or shoulders get stuck. Sometimes cords are in the wrong place. Sometimes placentas detach.
I had high hopes for the Mothering article. I was hoping the writer would touch upon a lesson she learned from losing her daughter. That technology has a place and can be used along side with natural birthing techniques. I wanted the writer to convey her feelings and opinions regarding natural birth and hospitalized birth. Was she angry with herself? With the system? Did she feel like it failed her? Did she harbor resentment to her midwife? Did she blame her?
And what about the second baby? Did she stick with the all natural approach or did she have a doctor the second time around. I felt like a huge opportunity was missed with this article. An opportunity to show the pros and cons of each side.
To me the piece almost glamorized stillbirth as this wonderful natural occurrence that lead this particular mother to a higher understanding of herself and the world. There is no mention of pain or fear. No mention of the all consuming anger that takes over, or dealing with death that occurs inside you - physically and emotionally. Those are all part of the story too. That is where the lesson is learned... after the betrayal.
The only way women will be able to reclaim the birth process is through information and education... which I feel this particular piece lacked.
8.27.2007
Stillbirth
Think about how much work and time went into your high school experience. Four FULL years. Classes, projects, papers, quizzes, tests, sports activities, field trips. All of it.
Remember how much was involved. How much time and emotion. And the bond that you made with your friends who are shared the journey with you.
Graduation day draws near. People send you cards. You think about what life will be like when your done. You are fitted for your cap and gown. You listen to the teachers and principles explain how the ceremony is supposed to go.
The big day arrives. You are up early. Ready for all the excitement.
You sit through the whole ceremony, with your friends. Waiting for your turn on stage.
You see student after student walk up and across. They shake hands, pose for a picture.
Now its your turn. They call your name. You started to walk across the stage....
but wait... there is something wrong... terribly wrong. All the faculty started muttering to themselves, shaking their heads. "I'm sorry" they say "You have to turn back... do it all over again."
"What? This can't be right! I worked just has hard and as long as everyone here. How come they get their diploma and I have to start over?"
"I'm sorry." they say again "Try to stay calm... "
The room spins, everyone is watching and waiting. You see all your friends on the other side of the stage. You can't join them. You feel different and separated. You have to go back to the beginning. They get to move on with their lives. Embark on a whole new phase. You get left behind.
You ask yourself. What did I do wrong? How did I cause this? I should have seen it coming." You replay the experience over and over again in your head, trying to make sense out of it all.
"I should graduate! I did what everyone else did and they graduated!" you yell "It's not fair!" "Why me?"
But no one answers... because there are no answers to give. You are the outsider now... the bond is gone.... you can't understand why you don' t have what your friends have.
A deep chasm now resides between you and the rest of the world.
Remember how much was involved. How much time and emotion. And the bond that you made with your friends who are shared the journey with you.
Graduation day draws near. People send you cards. You think about what life will be like when your done. You are fitted for your cap and gown. You listen to the teachers and principles explain how the ceremony is supposed to go.
The big day arrives. You are up early. Ready for all the excitement.
You sit through the whole ceremony, with your friends. Waiting for your turn on stage.
You see student after student walk up and across. They shake hands, pose for a picture.
Now its your turn. They call your name. You started to walk across the stage....
but wait... there is something wrong... terribly wrong. All the faculty started muttering to themselves, shaking their heads. "I'm sorry" they say "You have to turn back... do it all over again."
"What? This can't be right! I worked just has hard and as long as everyone here. How come they get their diploma and I have to start over?"
"I'm sorry." they say again "Try to stay calm... "
The room spins, everyone is watching and waiting. You see all your friends on the other side of the stage. You can't join them. You feel different and separated. You have to go back to the beginning. They get to move on with their lives. Embark on a whole new phase. You get left behind.
You ask yourself. What did I do wrong? How did I cause this? I should have seen it coming." You replay the experience over and over again in your head, trying to make sense out of it all.
"I should graduate! I did what everyone else did and they graduated!" you yell "It's not fair!" "Why me?"
But no one answers... because there are no answers to give. You are the outsider now... the bond is gone.... you can't understand why you don' t have what your friends have.
A deep chasm now resides between you and the rest of the world.
8.25.2007
10 years ago.... (5 days ago)
Things have been busy here... so busy in fact that I missed blogging about a VERY important date. August 20th....
10 years ago (this past Monday) I was in St Louis visiting my parents before school started. I had plans to meet with an old boyfriend that day, so I was up early. and completely nervous. I couldn't eat breakfast at all and I was out the door 45 minutes too soon.
When I was in high school I went to my first prom with my then boyfriend Sterling. It was a very fancy and romantic night. We went to eat at the Ritz Carlton and then went to the the symphony.
August 20th 1997: I am driving towards the Ritz Carlton in Clayton WAY early to meet with my long lost love. It was his idea to meet at the hotel. Neither of us thought it would be a good idea for him to come to the house. I had no idea what I was going to say, or what he was going to look like. I pulled in to the u shaped drive in front of the hotel. I looked around and found some parking to my left. I sat there for a bit trying to figure out how to get where I needed to go when I noticed a green BMW sitting there. It had Texas plates. It was him! He was early too!
I finally find a place to park. By this time he has noticed me. He watches as I park and get out. I am wearing a white summer dress. I had saved and saved to by this dress... JUST for this day. I walk over to his car. I'm chewing gum. He asks me for a piece. My hand is shaking (just a bit). He has the tightest jeans on I have ever seen. Huge belt buckle and boots. Full on Texas style.
We sit in the hotel lobby for a bit. Then it seemed silly. So we went and got some lunch. He ate his french fries with a knife and fork. We decided to go to Colorado. Neither of us had been and we had 10 days to kill.
Since the Spring of 1992 those 10 days were the longest that Sterling and I had EVER spent with one another. The week he had spent with me and my family at Christmas was the second longest. But this time we were grown up. I was 21 he was 19. The oldest we had ever been and it was our first time ON our own. No parents or family gatherings... no school.
On August 21st - one day later- we got back together. I remember the conversation. Sitting in Cripple Creek Co in the little town square on a bench in front of a shop. We talked and talked. "We'll do it right this time" we said to one another. "We won't make the same mistakes" The decision came easily to us and very quick. It seemed natural and right.
It was a great trip... We said that we were going to do it again 10 years later. We didn't realize how impossible that sounded then... maybe in 5 more years...yeah... that sounds good!
10 years ago (this past Monday) I was in St Louis visiting my parents before school started. I had plans to meet with an old boyfriend that day, so I was up early. and completely nervous. I couldn't eat breakfast at all and I was out the door 45 minutes too soon.
When I was in high school I went to my first prom with my then boyfriend Sterling. It was a very fancy and romantic night. We went to eat at the Ritz Carlton and then went to the the symphony.
August 20th 1997: I am driving towards the Ritz Carlton in Clayton WAY early to meet with my long lost love. It was his idea to meet at the hotel. Neither of us thought it would be a good idea for him to come to the house. I had no idea what I was going to say, or what he was going to look like. I pulled in to the u shaped drive in front of the hotel. I looked around and found some parking to my left. I sat there for a bit trying to figure out how to get where I needed to go when I noticed a green BMW sitting there. It had Texas plates. It was him! He was early too!
I finally find a place to park. By this time he has noticed me. He watches as I park and get out. I am wearing a white summer dress. I had saved and saved to by this dress... JUST for this day. I walk over to his car. I'm chewing gum. He asks me for a piece. My hand is shaking (just a bit). He has the tightest jeans on I have ever seen. Huge belt buckle and boots. Full on Texas style.
We sit in the hotel lobby for a bit. Then it seemed silly. So we went and got some lunch. He ate his french fries with a knife and fork. We decided to go to Colorado. Neither of us had been and we had 10 days to kill.
Since the Spring of 1992 those 10 days were the longest that Sterling and I had EVER spent with one another. The week he had spent with me and my family at Christmas was the second longest. But this time we were grown up. I was 21 he was 19. The oldest we had ever been and it was our first time ON our own. No parents or family gatherings... no school.
On August 21st - one day later- we got back together. I remember the conversation. Sitting in Cripple Creek Co in the little town square on a bench in front of a shop. We talked and talked. "We'll do it right this time" we said to one another. "We won't make the same mistakes" The decision came easily to us and very quick. It seemed natural and right.
It was a great trip... We said that we were going to do it again 10 years later. We didn't realize how impossible that sounded then... maybe in 5 more years...yeah... that sounds good!
me on the back of the infamous BMW up in the moutains of CO
at a hotdog/icecream stand in Hot Springs CO - at the time it was the biggest belt buckle I had ever seen!
8.24.2007
For Amanda!
This is my signature dish... I didn't invent it, but I did make some changes from the original and I use it for ANY potluck that is needed. I have given the recipe out once or twice... but it always gets lost... so here it is for all the world to see! Bon Appetite!
Ravioli & Spinach Salad with Sesame Dressing
2/3c Canola Oil
1/4c Oriental Sesame Oil
1/4c Lemon Juice
2 t Tamari Soy Sauce
5-10 cloves of garlic minced
Salt
Pepper
1 20 ounce pack fresh Ravioli
2 orange bell peppers
1/4-1/2 red onion
1 can of petite diced tomatoes
1 bag of baby spinach
3TB sesame seeds
1. place seeds over very low heat to toast- set aside to cool when done
2. put water on the boil for the ravioli
3. slice peppers and onion into thin strips
4. rinse drain pat dry tomatoes
5. add all three to a large bowl
6. Mix first 5 ingredients and mix WELL - add salt and pepper to taste
7. pour mixture over onions peppers and tomatoes
8. cook pasta according to package directions
9. rinse with cold water until pasta is cold- drain well
10. add pasta to veggies and mix
11. add spinach and mix gently
12. add toasted sesame seeds
Serve Room Temp
8.23.2007
Speaking of First Days
I can't remember crying when I dropped Braden off at MDO for the first time 2 years ago... if I did it was brief and just a tear or two. It certainly didn't occur to me to cry this time. That is, however, until his teacher handed me this as I walked out the door.
My BFF
I'd like to introduce you to my BFF Melissa. The same Melissa who was my angel, rock, confidant, drinking buddy, prayer warrior, God Send when William was born. Almost 2 years after she moved from Abilene I finally got my butt out to Aledo to see her.
Braden helped capture the moment.
"Hey Julia, why are all the pictures of you with your friends taken in garages?" Because it's HOT .... and sitting in the sun just makes you that much hotter!
Did I mention that there are fire ants in the grass? No fire ants on the driveway!
How Original
I can remember Mason picking out Braden's name before he was born. I liked it, my family loved it. Everyone remarked on how original it was. He'll be the only Braden in class my father said proudly...
We showed up to school on orientation day to find that that is NOT the case...
May I introduce you to Braden S.
Couldn't Coax a Smile
Tristan Scott
10 months old
22 lbs...
still waiting on measurements of head and length could not find a tape measure long enough!
Turn Ons: anything that Braden is eating, crawling, banging toys on floor, table, dogs
Turn Offs: riding in the car, bathing, being left alone
New School
Even though we have awhile to go here in Abilene, we are already thinking about where we will end up next. Little Rock is high on that list... like 95% probability high. So this summer I started to research LR on line. We lived there a few years ago for a few months. Back then all we cared about was living close to base. Now there are many more factors involved.
One being... where will Braden go to school. I started reading about the school system in LR and reviews on specific schools there. I was NOT impressed. The more I read, the more depressed I got. We had always thought we would go the Montessori route with Braden. It never occurred to me that we wouldn't move during the summer months. And if it did, I didn't realize the impact of that on Braden's school choice. I realized that we couldn't put all our eggs into one basket and I set out to review private schools...remembering what my friend Beth said about public schools "the smart obedient children get ignored".
I requested some information from a private school in LR and promptly recieved there information packet in the mail. Beyond sticker shock I started to realize that to enter (even Kindergarten) Braden would be required to have certain basic skills and knowlege of things.
Two things you should know about Braden: 1. He learns better from others... not me... and 2. He can be quite shy, so we have always worked on getting him in/around/with other kids...
All those factors combined let us to choose a real preschool this year... no more MDO!
We heard glowing reviews about one private school here in Abilene. I called on a whim, thinking that late July was WAY too late to get a spot...but low and behold they had 3 openings left!
RIGHT ON!
Long story short(too late). Braden has a new school. We visited several times over the past month. Checking it out for myself.... showing my mother-in-law around, a makeshift orientation for Mason before he left, and regular orientation last week.
And his first day was yesterday... so far so good...
One being... where will Braden go to school. I started reading about the school system in LR and reviews on specific schools there. I was NOT impressed. The more I read, the more depressed I got. We had always thought we would go the Montessori route with Braden. It never occurred to me that we wouldn't move during the summer months. And if it did, I didn't realize the impact of that on Braden's school choice. I realized that we couldn't put all our eggs into one basket and I set out to review private schools...remembering what my friend Beth said about public schools "the smart obedient children get ignored".
I requested some information from a private school in LR and promptly recieved there information packet in the mail. Beyond sticker shock I started to realize that to enter (even Kindergarten) Braden would be required to have certain basic skills and knowlege of things.
Two things you should know about Braden: 1. He learns better from others... not me... and 2. He can be quite shy, so we have always worked on getting him in/around/with other kids...
All those factors combined let us to choose a real preschool this year... no more MDO!
We heard glowing reviews about one private school here in Abilene. I called on a whim, thinking that late July was WAY too late to get a spot...but low and behold they had 3 openings left!
RIGHT ON!
Long story short(too late). Braden has a new school. We visited several times over the past month. Checking it out for myself.... showing my mother-in-law around, a makeshift orientation for Mason before he left, and regular orientation last week.
And his first day was yesterday... so far so good...
Envious
I am SO envious of my friend Annie. She recently moved to NYC after living in Houston. She recently posted about grabbing some take out with the family and then walking across the street to the park for an impromptu picnic. The weather was cool and crisp even though there are still leaves on the trees... Then they heard some music... they followed it until the arrived at a small jazz band jamming outside. So they hung out for a while before the kids had to go to bed.
Its these kind of posts that just rip my soul out and make me want to collapse on the floor in self pity.
side note: Annie - DON'T stop writing about this kind of stuff... I promise I can handle it! :-)
My whole being aches to be there doing that. Being outside on grass without fire ants or stickers. Being able to walk to a store, restaurant and park... NOT DRIVE.
Aaahhh, to be free of the car.....
To hear music being played randomly, and to be surrounded by people from all walks of life. To have an apartment, with no lawn to mow. To have playgrounds near said apartment to play and meet people. Etc etc etc.....
It doesn't have to be NYC... any major city about the Mason-Dixon line will do... and I am sure there are some below that would be great too.
To ride the subway, to visit museums (natural history, science, art) to eat outside! Yes, people do eat outside. The eat a small personally owned restaurants where dogs are even allowed to join the family meal.
To have seasons. Spring fall and winter. Snow men, snow ball fights, sled rides.... hot chocolate. Memorial Day parades and trees taller than houses....beaches where shoes are not required because the sand is too hot...
Okay, well now I am just getting a bit off subject and making myself feel worse, so I will stop throwing my pity party. Thank you for coming....
Its these kind of posts that just rip my soul out and make me want to collapse on the floor in self pity.
side note: Annie - DON'T stop writing about this kind of stuff... I promise I can handle it! :-)
My whole being aches to be there doing that. Being outside on grass without fire ants or stickers. Being able to walk to a store, restaurant and park... NOT DRIVE.
Aaahhh, to be free of the car.....
To hear music being played randomly, and to be surrounded by people from all walks of life. To have an apartment, with no lawn to mow. To have playgrounds near said apartment to play and meet people. Etc etc etc.....
It doesn't have to be NYC... any major city about the Mason-Dixon line will do... and I am sure there are some below that would be great too.
To ride the subway, to visit museums (natural history, science, art) to eat outside! Yes, people do eat outside. The eat a small personally owned restaurants where dogs are even allowed to join the family meal.
To have seasons. Spring fall and winter. Snow men, snow ball fights, sled rides.... hot chocolate. Memorial Day parades and trees taller than houses....beaches where shoes are not required because the sand is too hot...
Okay, well now I am just getting a bit off subject and making myself feel worse, so I will stop throwing my pity party. Thank you for coming....
8.17.2007
Kinda of like death.....
Here are a few things NOT to say to a woman after her husband has deployed:
1. Oh, I am SO sorry, that must be awful.
2. Oh, I totally understand, mine left for 2 days last week. I thought I'd die.
3. Let me know if I can do anything for you.
4. I don't know how you live like that.
5. Again? I thought he just got home?
Things TO say:
1.How are you feeling?
2. How long will he be gone?
3. Is this his first deployment?
4. I would love for you and your kids to come and have dinner with us. Is Thursday okay?
5. We will keep him and you in our prayers.
1. Oh, I am SO sorry, that must be awful.
2. Oh, I totally understand, mine left for 2 days last week. I thought I'd die.
3. Let me know if I can do anything for you.
4. I don't know how you live like that.
5. Again? I thought he just got home?
Things TO say:
1.How are you feeling?
2. How long will he be gone?
3. Is this his first deployment?
4. I would love for you and your kids to come and have dinner with us. Is Thursday okay?
5. We will keep him and you in our prayers.
Gone Daddy Gone...
Yep... it's official. I am single again.Mason left early Thursday morning. A WHOLE DAY before he was scheduled to leave. Wednesday was spent running around trying to jam two days worth of work and fun into one.
I talked with him for the last time late last night. He is was in an airport waiting for the military transport. I knew that this would be the last time I could talk with him for a while. It takes almost a full 24 hours to get to the desert. Then they have to check in, set up, get briefed on what has been going on, and what needs to be get done. Even though he was gone this past winter and spring. He was in the states and if I needed to talk to him I could just pick up the phone. Now, there is not even a number to call.
But, its okay. Routine. After that initial pang in the stomach, I realized that a day or so is no big deal. He'll email me when he can. And frankly, I want him to get his rest and do his job well. Not be worried about me sitting at home worrying about him.
Right now he isn't even sure what his exact assignment will be. Now that he is a Weapons Officer he is needed in a lot of different capacities. If I am told, and am allowed to tell I will keep you all updated. But until then we will just be floating here on the dark side of the moon ....
8.16.2007
I love the statement it makes when you don't and LOVE the look when you do
My friend Annie commented on my latest post: I say this out of sincere obligation. This is your conscience. Are you dilapidating out of expectations from the opposite sex? I don't mean to glorify keeping one's hair because that too is often an expectation of men, but, seriously. Isn't hairy you a sexy you? Have you seen _Volver_? Plus, I think Nair is evil, too. Wear the hair, babe.
When I was a little girl one of my obsessions was to be a big girl. To do all the things big girls do.: make-up, earrings (pierced of course) tampons, pads pantie liners and shaving. Oh boy did I want to shave. I have NO idea why I was like that but I was. When I was 9 I took my moms disposable razor and shaved one of my arms... How very grown up (eye roll).
Neither of my parents were very hairy. My mom never wore make-up nor did she have pierced ears. I came from good stock of New England ladies who believed "if its not useful for something then its just getting in the way."
So over the years I shaved and Naired. When I was 17 my friend plucked my eyebrows for the first time. And when I was in my mid twenties I accompanied a friend to the salon where I was witness to her bikini being waxed. My education was complete.
At some point during all this I learned why American women shave and European women didn't.
Why Women Shave Their Legs and Underarms: We all know the power of advertising. At the turn of the century, for example, the South African Diamond company, DeBeers, created the image that the diamond was forever and therefore would make an excellent wedding ring.
Another marketing campaign around this time convinced the women of North America to shave their body hair. Notably, women in the other parts of the world do not engage on masse in this ritual. Even in French Canada, the habit is not largely undertaken.
It all began with the May, 1915 edition of Harper's Bazaar magazine that featured a model sporting the latest fashion. She wore a sleeveless evening gown that exposed, for the first time in fashion, her bare shoulders, and her armpits.
A young marketing executive with the Wilkinson Sword Company, who also made razor blades for men, designed a campaign to convince the women of North America that:
(a) Underarm hair was unhygienic (b) It was unfeminine.
In two years, the sales of razor blades doubled as our grandmothers and great grandmothers made themselves conform to this socially constructed gender stereotype. This norm for North American women has been reinforced by several generations of daughters who role-modeled their mothers.
After college I decided that I was done with being preppy (high school) or grunge(1992 -1994) or a Raver(if you have to ask, then you don't want to know) and decided I was going to be a Hippy. What that really meant was, that I listened to Joni Mitchell, went to Earth Day festivals and I stopped shaving. I tried not wearing bra too, but that was short lived. How wonderfully different I felt. Hey, look at me I am not going to conform to the worlds way of thinking MAN... I am my own person man! I'm edgy! You can tell because I don't shave.
Now I am 32 years old. I have friends that NEVER shave.... I have friends that would die before they left the house without shaving and I have settled somewhere in between. I finally like my legs (after 3 years of Danny Thall calling me chicken legs) I realize that I am lucky to have my legs. Besides my hair (on my head) its the one thing that I receive the most compliments about. In the winter when I am wearing jeans and long pants I don't worry to much about my leg hair OR under arm hair... and even during the summer months I have been known to be Shaggy next to a bunch of Daphnes...I get teased from both sides. If I have hair or if I don't. Its like my clothes or jewelry. It all depends on my mood, what I am feeling inside, WHO I want to project on the outside. I love the statement it makes when you don't and LOVE the look when you do.
What about Mason? you might ask. Well, he has been around me since the dawn of time (1991) and I am happy to report that he seems to be very satisfied with all the versions of me. Young, old, bouncy, saggy, smooth, stretch marks, painted, plain, hairy or smooth...
When I was a little girl one of my obsessions was to be a big girl. To do all the things big girls do.: make-up, earrings (pierced of course) tampons, pads pantie liners and shaving. Oh boy did I want to shave. I have NO idea why I was like that but I was. When I was 9 I took my moms disposable razor and shaved one of my arms... How very grown up (eye roll).
Neither of my parents were very hairy. My mom never wore make-up nor did she have pierced ears. I came from good stock of New England ladies who believed "if its not useful for something then its just getting in the way."
So over the years I shaved and Naired. When I was 17 my friend plucked my eyebrows for the first time. And when I was in my mid twenties I accompanied a friend to the salon where I was witness to her bikini being waxed. My education was complete.
At some point during all this I learned why American women shave and European women didn't.
Why Women Shave Their Legs and Underarms: We all know the power of advertising. At the turn of the century, for example, the South African Diamond company, DeBeers, created the image that the diamond was forever and therefore would make an excellent wedding ring.
Another marketing campaign around this time convinced the women of North America to shave their body hair. Notably, women in the other parts of the world do not engage on masse in this ritual. Even in French Canada, the habit is not largely undertaken.
It all began with the May, 1915 edition of Harper's Bazaar magazine that featured a model sporting the latest fashion. She wore a sleeveless evening gown that exposed, for the first time in fashion, her bare shoulders, and her armpits.
A young marketing executive with the Wilkinson Sword Company, who also made razor blades for men, designed a campaign to convince the women of North America that:
(a) Underarm hair was unhygienic (b) It was unfeminine.
In two years, the sales of razor blades doubled as our grandmothers and great grandmothers made themselves conform to this socially constructed gender stereotype. This norm for North American women has been reinforced by several generations of daughters who role-modeled their mothers.
After college I decided that I was done with being preppy (high school) or grunge(1992 -1994) or a Raver(if you have to ask, then you don't want to know) and decided I was going to be a Hippy. What that really meant was, that I listened to Joni Mitchell, went to Earth Day festivals and I stopped shaving. I tried not wearing bra too, but that was short lived. How wonderfully different I felt. Hey, look at me I am not going to conform to the worlds way of thinking MAN... I am my own person man! I'm edgy! You can tell because I don't shave.
Now I am 32 years old. I have friends that NEVER shave.... I have friends that would die before they left the house without shaving and I have settled somewhere in between. I finally like my legs (after 3 years of Danny Thall calling me chicken legs) I realize that I am lucky to have my legs. Besides my hair (on my head) its the one thing that I receive the most compliments about. In the winter when I am wearing jeans and long pants I don't worry to much about my leg hair OR under arm hair... and even during the summer months I have been known to be Shaggy next to a bunch of Daphnes...I get teased from both sides. If I have hair or if I don't. Its like my clothes or jewelry. It all depends on my mood, what I am feeling inside, WHO I want to project on the outside. I love the statement it makes when you don't and LOVE the look when you do.
What about Mason? you might ask. Well, he has been around me since the dawn of time (1991) and I am happy to report that he seems to be very satisfied with all the versions of me. Young, old, bouncy, saggy, smooth, stretch marks, painted, plain, hairy or smooth...
8.15.2007
Wax On .... Wax Off
A few months ago I decided that I would by a home waxing kit....(pause for laughter).
I was/am still trying find ways to cut costs around the house.
I hate shaving, and nair (the chemical remover) works great but scares me just a bit...I mean really, if the stuff removes hair, what is it doing to my skin...
So I bought a waxing system. The wax, the machine that melts the wax, linen strips to remove the wax and those Popsicle sticks things that apply the wax.
After several attempts and with some practice I am now able to do my legs, middle of the brow and underarms well enough that I feel satisfied doing it myself and justified in buying of it.
The arch of my brow however is a whole different story. That task proved to be impossible. Either the wax was too thin and would run into my eyelashes or it would be too thick to work right. Whatever it was I only tried a few times and failed miserably. I didn't go bald or anything I just ended up with gobs of wax all over my eyebrows and lashes...
To the baby oil!
Baby oil will remove hard wax that is cooled off your skin. Works like a charm too, after a few minutes with the oil and the cotton balls I was as good a new... (well my brows were, not my pride.)
Baby oil is mineral oil. Mineral oil is used in a lot of beauty products like cleansers and lotions. I have known for awhile that mineral oil is a bad product to have in your lotions and creams... but never did I realize HOW bad... I mean how gentle could a product be if it takes of COOLED WAX.... scary...
I was/am still trying find ways to cut costs around the house.
I hate shaving, and nair (the chemical remover) works great but scares me just a bit...I mean really, if the stuff removes hair, what is it doing to my skin...
So I bought a waxing system. The wax, the machine that melts the wax, linen strips to remove the wax and those Popsicle sticks things that apply the wax.
After several attempts and with some practice I am now able to do my legs, middle of the brow and underarms well enough that I feel satisfied doing it myself and justified in buying of it.
The arch of my brow however is a whole different story. That task proved to be impossible. Either the wax was too thin and would run into my eyelashes or it would be too thick to work right. Whatever it was I only tried a few times and failed miserably. I didn't go bald or anything I just ended up with gobs of wax all over my eyebrows and lashes...
To the baby oil!
Baby oil will remove hard wax that is cooled off your skin. Works like a charm too, after a few minutes with the oil and the cotton balls I was as good a new... (well my brows were, not my pride.)
Baby oil is mineral oil. Mineral oil is used in a lot of beauty products like cleansers and lotions. I have known for awhile that mineral oil is a bad product to have in your lotions and creams... but never did I realize HOW bad... I mean how gentle could a product be if it takes of COOLED WAX.... scary...
8.14.2007
8.13.2007
New Blog
My MOPS group has just started their first website!
AND their first blog! Its creator? I am glad you asked ! ME!
Anyway... it should be a great forum to keep up with all of our events and special projects.
And for all those out there who think I am talking about cleaning tools to get a better understanding of what the heck the fuss is all about!
AND their first blog! Its creator? I am glad you asked ! ME!
Anyway... it should be a great forum to keep up with all of our events and special projects.
And for all those out there who think I am talking about cleaning tools to get a better understanding of what the heck the fuss is all about!
8.11.2007
So true
This picture is from a book called Everywhere Babies. It is from the page about how babies are fed. I remember when my friend Natasha gave me this book. It was a few months after Tristan was born, and this is EXACTLY how I looked and felt.
I love this picture. From the moms face, to the book almost falling... to the precious hand grabbing on to her shirt....
The fact that those days are behind me is a bit sad.
Just a bit though :-)
8.10.2007
Oh... well now you tell me.
I have no idea what its like to be REALLY different. I am not a person of color, a non-English speaker, gay or disabled. I am now just understanding some of the problems all of these people face. If you have not experienced hate or exclusion before, then it can be hard to understand that it exists.
But it does. And for a brief millisecond in my life I got a very small taste.
In the summer of 2005 I had just had and lost William. I had gained about 35 pounds with his pregnancy and with no one to nurse coupled with eating for comfort I was still carrying around extra weight. So much weight in fact that my wedding and engagement ring no longer fit.
Mason was deployed and I set off traveling the US with Braden.
I had been traveling with Braden for over a year. Wearing my wedding ring and being pregnant i received wonderful treatment from almost all I met. If it happened to be mentioned that my husband was in the military I received even more niceness.
*side note: I am proud of what my husband does for a living, and I am appreciative and grateful for all the love support and prayers from friends family and strangers.
I can remember once traveling through from St Louis to Little Rock and stopping for lunch. A man had over heard a conversation I was having with the waitress, in which I mentioned my husband was military. A while later I got up to use the rest room. When I got back and was ready to leave I asked for my bill... the waitress informed me that while I was in the rest room "that gentleman over there paid it for you with thanks for your family's sacrifice".
I was floored. I was immediately humbled and bowled over by this mans generosity. It was a very moving moment and I will never forget it.
But this particular summer I had no ring on. Nothing to let people know that I was married to a wonderful man who just happened not to be there at the time.
You might not believe me, but people treated me different. They didn't fawn over Braden like they usually did. People didn't smile and ask questions. I thought that I was making it up in my head. I thought it was just because I was no longer pregnant...but then I noticed something. When those exact people who would avoid eye contact with me found out that yes I was married their attitude changed on a dime. In a split second they were regular normal and kind to me. They would give me this look like "Oh, well now you tell me, that changes everything!"
It was the oddest experience. It made me angry to think that people were judging me based on looks/appearance alone.
Like the kind man in the restaurant, I have never forgotten what that summer of travel taught me. A small small lesson in human behavior.
But it does. And for a brief millisecond in my life I got a very small taste.
In the summer of 2005 I had just had and lost William. I had gained about 35 pounds with his pregnancy and with no one to nurse coupled with eating for comfort I was still carrying around extra weight. So much weight in fact that my wedding and engagement ring no longer fit.
Mason was deployed and I set off traveling the US with Braden.
I had been traveling with Braden for over a year. Wearing my wedding ring and being pregnant i received wonderful treatment from almost all I met. If it happened to be mentioned that my husband was in the military I received even more niceness.
*side note: I am proud of what my husband does for a living, and I am appreciative and grateful for all the love support and prayers from friends family and strangers.
I can remember once traveling through from St Louis to Little Rock and stopping for lunch. A man had over heard a conversation I was having with the waitress, in which I mentioned my husband was military. A while later I got up to use the rest room. When I got back and was ready to leave I asked for my bill... the waitress informed me that while I was in the rest room "that gentleman over there paid it for you with thanks for your family's sacrifice".
I was floored. I was immediately humbled and bowled over by this mans generosity. It was a very moving moment and I will never forget it.
But this particular summer I had no ring on. Nothing to let people know that I was married to a wonderful man who just happened not to be there at the time.
You might not believe me, but people treated me different. They didn't fawn over Braden like they usually did. People didn't smile and ask questions. I thought that I was making it up in my head. I thought it was just because I was no longer pregnant...but then I noticed something. When those exact people who would avoid eye contact with me found out that yes I was married their attitude changed on a dime. In a split second they were regular normal and kind to me. They would give me this look like "Oh, well now you tell me, that changes everything!"
It was the oddest experience. It made me angry to think that people were judging me based on looks/appearance alone.
Like the kind man in the restaurant, I have never forgotten what that summer of travel taught me. A small small lesson in human behavior.
Color Blind
Steven Colbert often says "I don't see color" when referring to people of color (POC). He is being funny of course and playing a role... because we all see color... we just respond to it differently.
I grew up in Maine and knew ONE person of color, a black guy in our theater group named Stan.
In high school I had a few black roommates, who I am sure I annoyed and pissed off by asking questions about their skin, their hair, the products they used for their skin and hair. I remember one girl (my first black roommate) telling me that her grandmother thought she was too light skinned, and as a baby she would put her in the sun for long periods of time to get darker. It didn't work though, she would just burn.
At the time I didn't understand how important skin color was. I knew there were people who didn't like others because of the way they looked. I just didn't understand that it was much more complicated than that.
Boy howdy is it complicated. I didn't realize how much the color of a person affects them in their life. I didn't realize that there was such a thing as white privilege. I thought that Black Americans had this wonderful sense of community, history and heritage until I learned that the last names they all carry originated from the last name of the white slave owner who owned their ancestors. I took for granted that if I really wanted to I could trace my family back to Europe and where we originated from. Black Americans have no way of finding what part of Africa (country or tribe) they are from.
I have friends with blended (multi-racial) families. Some by marriage, some by birth and some by adoption. My friend Natasha writes about her family and the relentless questions she gets asked about her two bio kids and her two (obvious) adopted kids.
I cringe when I read her posts.... I used to be that person. I would get into other peoples business and ask them stupid questions " are they all yours" "do they have the same father" "are they adopted". I thought I was being nice and that they would welcome the interest. I now see that the questions are rude, and really none of my business.
What reason did I have to talk to people or children of color any differently? I placed a burden on them with my questions. A burden of education. In effect I was asking them to teach me .... teach me about this "new thing" that I am experiencing... How different, odd, quaint.
How horrible must I have made these parents and children feel. As if I was NORMAL and they were this oddity to share and educate the world.
Even worse, some people who ask these questions have ulterior motives. They disapprove of the way these families have come together. Some people are outright in their disapproval some are passive aggressive. No one should be subjected to that.
I still have questions, but I also have a few close friends that I can ask them. I try to educate myself by other means (books, magazine articles, blogs).
And each day I try to see the world from other people's point of view.
I grew up in Maine and knew ONE person of color, a black guy in our theater group named Stan.
In high school I had a few black roommates, who I am sure I annoyed and pissed off by asking questions about their skin, their hair, the products they used for their skin and hair. I remember one girl (my first black roommate) telling me that her grandmother thought she was too light skinned, and as a baby she would put her in the sun for long periods of time to get darker. It didn't work though, she would just burn.
At the time I didn't understand how important skin color was. I knew there were people who didn't like others because of the way they looked. I just didn't understand that it was much more complicated than that.
Boy howdy is it complicated. I didn't realize how much the color of a person affects them in their life. I didn't realize that there was such a thing as white privilege. I thought that Black Americans had this wonderful sense of community, history and heritage until I learned that the last names they all carry originated from the last name of the white slave owner who owned their ancestors. I took for granted that if I really wanted to I could trace my family back to Europe and where we originated from. Black Americans have no way of finding what part of Africa (country or tribe) they are from.
I have friends with blended (multi-racial) families. Some by marriage, some by birth and some by adoption. My friend Natasha writes about her family and the relentless questions she gets asked about her two bio kids and her two (obvious) adopted kids.
I cringe when I read her posts.... I used to be that person. I would get into other peoples business and ask them stupid questions " are they all yours" "do they have the same father" "are they adopted". I thought I was being nice and that they would welcome the interest. I now see that the questions are rude, and really none of my business.
What reason did I have to talk to people or children of color any differently? I placed a burden on them with my questions. A burden of education. In effect I was asking them to teach me .... teach me about this "new thing" that I am experiencing... How different, odd, quaint.
How horrible must I have made these parents and children feel. As if I was NORMAL and they were this oddity to share and educate the world.
Even worse, some people who ask these questions have ulterior motives. They disapprove of the way these families have come together. Some people are outright in their disapproval some are passive aggressive. No one should be subjected to that.
I still have questions, but I also have a few close friends that I can ask them. I try to educate myself by other means (books, magazine articles, blogs).
And each day I try to see the world from other people's point of view.
These are the animals in our neighborhood,
in the neighborhood... in the neigh-bor-hood!
Besides dogs, cats, birds, cows, horses and goats we also have Brahmans.... ears like a sheep, eyes and body like a cow, and a bit of a hump (a la camel) they are quite funny looking, and a great treat for the boys when we are out on our walk.
Besides dogs, cats, birds, cows, horses and goats we also have Brahmans.... ears like a sheep, eyes and body like a cow, and a bit of a hump (a la camel) they are quite funny looking, and a great treat for the boys when we are out on our walk.
Becoming a Texan...
Ever since high school in St. Louis I have had friends who were born and raised in Texas, but for some other reason were not living there at the time. This trend continued into our military life. We have countless friends who are originally from Texas. Their children however were usually not born in the state. I can remember the first time I heard " I wasn't born in Texas, but I got there as quick as I could" OR "American by birth Texan by the grace of God".
I have a new " I've lived in Texas so long that enough of it has rubbed off on me".
I know this to be true because yesterday on our walk/bike ride we stopped to look at some animals in our neighborhood and I uttered these words to Braden..."Don't touch a strange fence, you don't know if it is electric or not"!
Giddy-up!
I have a new " I've lived in Texas so long that enough of it has rubbed off on me".
I know this to be true because yesterday on our walk/bike ride we stopped to look at some animals in our neighborhood and I uttered these words to Braden..."Don't touch a strange fence, you don't know if it is electric or not"!
Giddy-up!
8.09.2007
If I had 5cents everytime....
From Nature Moms Blog...
Elephant Poop Paper! - Yes this paper is made from elephant dung. In Sri Lanka, many elephants have been killed not for their meat, tusks, or hide but simply because they interfere with local agribusiness. A solution for villagers AND elephants alike has been to find ways to utilize the elephant as a sustainable economic resource. Since elephants poop about 16 times a day (wow!), elephant dung is a resource with the potential to solve the farmer/pachyderm conflict. Brought to you through Ellie Pooh, a socially conscious business in Sri Lanka.
I have dogs...
The dogs eat and then they poop.
I have two dogs, that is twice the poop.
Over the past 7 years I would pick up after my dogs muttering under my breath that if I had a nickle for every piece of poo, I would be a millionaire...
I really should have just started making paper out of it!
Jeeze, who knew!?
Elephant Poop Paper! - Yes this paper is made from elephant dung. In Sri Lanka, many elephants have been killed not for their meat, tusks, or hide but simply because they interfere with local agribusiness. A solution for villagers AND elephants alike has been to find ways to utilize the elephant as a sustainable economic resource. Since elephants poop about 16 times a day (wow!), elephant dung is a resource with the potential to solve the farmer/pachyderm conflict. Brought to you through Ellie Pooh, a socially conscious business in Sri Lanka.
I have dogs...
The dogs eat and then they poop.
I have two dogs, that is twice the poop.
Over the past 7 years I would pick up after my dogs muttering under my breath that if I had a nickle for every piece of poo, I would be a millionaire...
I really should have just started making paper out of it!
Jeeze, who knew!?
8.08.2007
Survey Says!
I can't watch game shows anymore. I wish that I could, but I can't and I will tell you why.
It seems to me these days that the shows are more about the contestant than the actual show. They spend all this time talking to them and dragging out their answers. I feel like I am watching overextended audition tapes... instead of someone with some talent or knowledge.
And whatever happened to the game ending at the end of the 1/2 hour? Wheel of Fortune, Price is Right, Press You Luck, Lingo. Jokers Wild 10,000 -25,000 Pyramid, Jeopardy.... all end AT THE END! I am barely hanging on now... I am certainly not waiting until tomorrow to see if the crazy lady gets the words right to "Rockin' Robin".
But still I find questions interesting on the new shows. I think its fun to see how much elementary school knowledge I have retained... or if I can remember pop culture facts or words to songs....
I find it interesting ... just not THAT interesting :-)
It seems to me these days that the shows are more about the contestant than the actual show. They spend all this time talking to them and dragging out their answers. I feel like I am watching overextended audition tapes... instead of someone with some talent or knowledge.
And whatever happened to the game ending at the end of the 1/2 hour? Wheel of Fortune, Price is Right, Press You Luck, Lingo. Jokers Wild 10,000 -25,000 Pyramid, Jeopardy.... all end AT THE END! I am barely hanging on now... I am certainly not waiting until tomorrow to see if the crazy lady gets the words right to "Rockin' Robin".
But still I find questions interesting on the new shows. I think its fun to see how much elementary school knowledge I have retained... or if I can remember pop culture facts or words to songs....
I find it interesting ... just not THAT interesting :-)
Jiminy - they ain't
Every summer they come. Swarms ( and yes people I mean swarms) of black noisy crickets descend upon Abilene.
Now, I know that some of you out there are going to be quick to point out that I am Abilene bashing again. I assure you I am not. But if you feel like its too much... don't read the rest of the post.
I haven't lived everywhere in the world. But I have lived in few different places, a majority of them have been warm climates. The warmer the climate the more critters you will encounter.
I lived in Texas once before. It was then that I learned exactly how big "Texas size bugs " really are...by the way... they're friggen HUGE!
So I thought that I was adequately prepared for Abilene. Until our first summer here in 2005, and my first experience with the cricket invasion.
I don't know where they come from or why they think Abilene (either wet or dry) is the best place for them. But all of a sudden one day they appear. Hopping through your living room, chirping in your bath drain and huddling in the corners of your garage. Its not just homes either. Got to any store and look in the entrance way (walmart petsmart stienmart) and you will see them... hoards of them half alive, half squished...ugh!
Now I normally I am a live and let live kind of a gal. But as of the summer in 2005 there are three insects that I refuse to live with. Fire ants, wasps and CRICKETS. You don't realize how loud those suckers are until one is chirping away in your closet at 3am. I have almost perfected the art of narrowing in on a crickets location in the house. Standing perfectly still, my ears straining to discern from which corner the chip is originating. I come armed with my spray gun of death. No hour is too late, no cricket is too small.
And then, like a bad dream they will disappear...poof! Until next summer...
Now, I know that some of you out there are going to be quick to point out that I am Abilene bashing again. I assure you I am not. But if you feel like its too much... don't read the rest of the post.
I haven't lived everywhere in the world. But I have lived in few different places, a majority of them have been warm climates. The warmer the climate the more critters you will encounter.
I lived in Texas once before. It was then that I learned exactly how big "Texas size bugs " really are...by the way... they're friggen HUGE!
So I thought that I was adequately prepared for Abilene. Until our first summer here in 2005, and my first experience with the cricket invasion.
I don't know where they come from or why they think Abilene (either wet or dry) is the best place for them. But all of a sudden one day they appear. Hopping through your living room, chirping in your bath drain and huddling in the corners of your garage. Its not just homes either. Got to any store and look in the entrance way (walmart petsmart stienmart) and you will see them... hoards of them half alive, half squished...ugh!
Now I normally I am a live and let live kind of a gal. But as of the summer in 2005 there are three insects that I refuse to live with. Fire ants, wasps and CRICKETS. You don't realize how loud those suckers are until one is chirping away in your closet at 3am. I have almost perfected the art of narrowing in on a crickets location in the house. Standing perfectly still, my ears straining to discern from which corner the chip is originating. I come armed with my spray gun of death. No hour is too late, no cricket is too small.
And then, like a bad dream they will disappear...poof! Until next summer...
Pop Quiz Hotshot!
If wiping the baby's nose makes him cry and his nose is runny because he's been crying, but he has finally stopped crying ...
...Do you
A) wipe it anyway
B) wait until he cries again and sneak a wipe in
OR
C) hand the baby and some kleenex off to your spouse and head out the door!
...Do you
A) wipe it anyway
B) wait until he cries again and sneak a wipe in
OR
C) hand the baby and some kleenex off to your spouse and head out the door!
8.07.2007
What I am reading...
Buddhism for Mothers A Calm Approach to Caring for Yourself and Your ChildrenSarah Napthali (Author)
I am only a few pages into the preface and these words jumped out at me.
"We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world"
I know it shouldn't
The Duggar Family Welcomes Their 17th Child
I know that this shouldn't bother me... but for someone who has pregnancy complications, infant death and childhood illness issues it really does!!!
I know life isn't fair... but COME ON!!!
8.03.2007
1 hour of sleep
That is all I am working off of right now. As you might have noticed I fiddled around with my blog last night. Tristan has a fever and was crying in his sleep on and off all night. I watched a little tv and then sat at my computer. I really didn't realize how late it got. I guess I was waiting for T to settle down. But it never really happened. So 2am rolled around and I was as awake as ever. So I watch a movie on IFC. Then it was 5am and Mason was getting up to go to work. I fell asleep at 6 and then Braden got me up at 7. Surprisingly I am doing okay.
I figure now that I have my scanner I should actually try and do some new things on the computer, hence the Braden painting. Also I am feeling much more attached to my blog these days, so I wanted it to be a bit more personal, so I put up some of my favorite lyrics to one of my favorite songs. Why by Annie Lennox. It moves me everytime I hear it....
I figure now that I have my scanner I should actually try and do some new things on the computer, hence the Braden painting. Also I am feeling much more attached to my blog these days, so I wanted it to be a bit more personal, so I put up some of my favorite lyrics to one of my favorite songs. Why by Annie Lennox. It moves me everytime I hear it....
8.02.2007
I bought a Mattress....
To clarify, I bought the mattress with Mason's money for Braden.
He is getting big. Too big in fact for his toddler bed anymore.
So I went mattress hunting.
Currently he has an organic crib mattress in a toddler bed frame. For the past few weeks I have been trying to figure out what kind of bed to get him. Bunk? Full? Twin? Trundle? Loft? A Twin over a Full bunk? Twin over Twin? Full over Full? Twin over Futon? Way to many choices.
We have no idea what size our next house will be. Will the boys be in separate rooms or together? How fast will Braden grow and how easily will he destroy anything we buy him?
Every night this week when Mason would get back from work I would force him to listen to my laundry list of ideas regarding all the various choices. Finally he said "just by a twin for now, I'll build a frame then when we move we will re-asses."
PERFECT! I knew there was a reasonI loved him so much.
Damn, not perfect. Now I have to choose a mattress. Firm, extra firm, pillow top, euro pillow top, serta, sealy...the list goes on.
Then late last night I stumbled back to the site where I had purchased the crib mattresses.
And read:Organic mattresses and organic bedding are very important for your health and the health of your children. Virtually all commercially available mattresses made today are filled with petroleum based foam and then soaked in a pound or more of fire retardant chemicals. These mattresses out-gas formaldehyde as they age, which is a known carcinogen. Fire retardants, made of chemicals called PDBEs, build up in our bodies like the banned PCBs and have been associated with neurological damage and cancer. PDBE fire retardants have already been banned in Europe, but unfortunately not in North America. Organic mattresses are the only way to protect yourself from 8 hours of exposure to these dangerous chemicals every night.
Long story short... late last night I shelled out A LOT of money for an organic mattress... just the mattress, mind you, since we still haven't figured out what kind of bed to get him.
Hopefully once its all in place it will help B sleep better! That, my friend is priceless!
He is getting big. Too big in fact for his toddler bed anymore.
So I went mattress hunting.
Currently he has an organic crib mattress in a toddler bed frame. For the past few weeks I have been trying to figure out what kind of bed to get him. Bunk? Full? Twin? Trundle? Loft? A Twin over a Full bunk? Twin over Twin? Full over Full? Twin over Futon? Way to many choices.
We have no idea what size our next house will be. Will the boys be in separate rooms or together? How fast will Braden grow and how easily will he destroy anything we buy him?
Every night this week when Mason would get back from work I would force him to listen to my laundry list of ideas regarding all the various choices. Finally he said "just by a twin for now, I'll build a frame then when we move we will re-asses."
PERFECT! I knew there was a reasonI loved him so much.
Damn, not perfect. Now I have to choose a mattress. Firm, extra firm, pillow top, euro pillow top, serta, sealy...the list goes on.
Then late last night I stumbled back to the site where I had purchased the crib mattresses.
And read:Organic mattresses and organic bedding are very important for your health and the health of your children. Virtually all commercially available mattresses made today are filled with petroleum based foam and then soaked in a pound or more of fire retardant chemicals. These mattresses out-gas formaldehyde as they age, which is a known carcinogen. Fire retardants, made of chemicals called PDBEs, build up in our bodies like the banned PCBs and have been associated with neurological damage and cancer. PDBE fire retardants have already been banned in Europe, but unfortunately not in North America. Organic mattresses are the only way to protect yourself from 8 hours of exposure to these dangerous chemicals every night.
Long story short... late last night I shelled out A LOT of money for an organic mattress... just the mattress, mind you, since we still haven't figured out what kind of bed to get him.
Hopefully once its all in place it will help B sleep better! That, my friend is priceless!
8.01.2007
Check it out!
My friend Leah was telling me about these. By now we all know how bad most plastics are... an finally there is an alternative!!! Right on! Here's the site. Buy them here. They may seem expensive... but these you don't have to get rid of every few months! I bet I could live with 4. Two for each kid ...hmmmmThe Klean Kanteen 12 oz Sippy Cup is a stainless steel bottle (no epoxy coating on the inside) coupled with a non-leaching #5 polypropylene adaptor and #5 polypropylene sippy spout. You can finally know that your toddler is drinking clean, pure water without the risk of Bishphenol-A, a potent hormone disruptor found to leach from hard, plastic (particularly #7 polycarbonate plastic).
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